Fat as Hell…

and not going to take it anymore!

A Weighty Day

Today is my wedding anniversary. At least I think it is. Neither my husband nor I can ever remember the exact date. It’s either today or the 24th… but since today is a Saturday, and we’re both off, we’re going with today. I can’t remember how many years we’ve been married either, but that doesn’t really matter much to me.

My husband and I have been together for a long time. We met when we were both in high school. I can remember the exact day, mostly because I actually have a picture of our meeting to remind me. It was near the end of my junior year and I was goofing around with several friends outside the cafeteria. We wanted to make one of those human pyramids, but we were one person short. Then one of my friends yelled, “oh, there’s David” and she waved him over to help us. So… we met on the bottom row of a human pyramid, and I have the picture to prove it.

Anyway, we dated on and off for the next year of high school, but then he moved 3,000 miles away to go to college. This was back before we all had things like email and cellphones to keep us connected, so we had to make a *real* effort to stay in touch through actual hand written letters, carefully wrapped packages and timed 10 minute phone calls, because neither of us could afford the, then outrageous, long distance rates.

David and I haven’t done anything traditionally. Growing up, we were complete opposites (in many ways we still are). He comes from a wealthy family, whereas my family was very, very poor. He was in the top 5% of our graduating class, whereas I barely graduated… you get the picture. In fact, if it weren’t for him, I’d have never made it to college at all. After high school, I floundered around, moving from one bad roommate situation to another, while working all manner of shit job. I spent most of my time either partying or running from creditors, but I surely wasn’t happy. I was, in essence, on the fast track to nowhere until one day a card came in the mail from David. In it was an acceptance letter to a community college in the town where he was living. He’d filled out all the application materials without me knowing, forged my signature and had the acceptance letter sent to him. Then he sent it to me with a card that simply read: “you have a decision to make.”

Two weeks later, I was on a plane. I’d sold everything I had, which wasn’t much. After I purchased my one way ticket, I was left with one suitcase and $150.00. That was July 22, 1990 and we’ve been together ever since.

But we didn’t get married until much, much later.

My parents have been married a combined total of 13 times. I like to say that they participated in the Divorce Olympics – my Dad bringing home the gold with a whopping 8 marriages (well, 9 if you count the woman he married twice). Nonetheless, marriage never really seemed like a viable option for me, given my genetic predisposition for failure… so David and I just lived together (happily, “in sin”) for years and years. Until one weekend 4 (or maybe 5) years ago when he said, “hey, wanna get married?” A couple of weeks later we went down to the courthouse and “tied the knot.” That in and of itself is a funny story, but I’ll spare you those details for now.

So… today is my wedding anniversary, I think.

But it’s also another important day. It’s my first weigh-in, in quite some time. The last time I weighed myself was *last* Friday. The night before, we’d ordered pizza and I’d eaten too much to recount now. I weighed myself Friday because I knew I was going to get back on track and I needed an accurate starting point. Prior to that, my previous weigh-in had revealed a disappointing 253.4lbs, but I knew I’d gone up even from there. So… last Friday when I stepped on the scale, it said 258.8lbs. I never posted that here for 2 reasons: First, of course, I was ashamed. But secondly, I just didn’t want to focus on it. I wanted to focus on doing the right things this week. I needed that number so that I could accurately measure my success this week, but beyond that, I didn’t want to think about it… so, I didn’t. Instead, I put my energy into getting used to eating properly again and exercising.

Those of you who have been following my food diary posts over at the food confessional already know that I decided to go the very low calorie route this week. My rationale being that, because I’d been “off plan” for so long (about a month) that my body had gotten used to much bigger, higher calorie meals, and as such, I wanted to cut way back and give myself some wiggle room for screw ups. I figured, if I aimed my caloric goal *lower* each day, if I did slip up and eat more than I should, I’d still be under the 1300 calories that I usually shoot for when I’m doing the right things and on track, etc. So… I began the week with a goal of eating 1,000 calories or less for the first three days. But then, when that turned out to be much easier than I thought it would be, I pretty much stuck with it for the remainder of the week. (Now look, before you bombard me with comments/emails about the dangers of very low calorie eating, fear not… I’ve discussed this option with my doctor before, and he gave me some guidelines were I ever to go that route. What’s more, it’s not permanent, it was just a way for me to jump start my “new start” – as it were).

All of that said, I almost didn’t weigh this morning at all because, frankly, I didn’t want to ruin the good thing I’ve built this week. Regardless of what the scale says, I had a great week. I not only stuck to my calorie goals, I hate healthy, good food and felt full *most* of the time. AND I exercised more often than I didn’t. It was a good, good week.

But, I did weigh. And here are the results…

258.8lbs – 249.5lbs = -9.3lbs

Ok. First of all… that’s a crazy amount lost. And I know that most of it is probably water weight resulting from the excess salt that my “off plan” diet included. Furthermore, I know too that the weeks to come will *not* include losses of that magnitude and in fact, next week, I may bump up a pound or two as my body compensates for the huge loss this week. But, nonetheless, I’ll take it.

So… today is a big day. It’s big because it marks my first significant weight loss in a long time, but more than that, and more importantly I think, it marks my first week of being back on track. It marks a week of eating right, of exercising and of feeling like I’m doing the right things for myself and for my body.

Oh yeah… and it’s also my wedding anniversary. I think. :)

June 21, 2008 Posted by | losing weight, weigh day | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments

Healthy You Challenge Update

Despite the fact that I *was* up on Saturday (by a pound and a half) I’m having a great week. Taking a cue from Cammy, I’ve decided that my recent gain is just a “weird bounce” and that rather than dwelling on it, I’m just moving on. (Oh, and yes, Cammy, you are more than welcome to blame my mother in law for anything you want, dear. Trust me. She’s probably to blame. *wink*) Even though I didn’t get a chance to post them, I did set some goals for this week and, so far, I’ve been keeping them. Here they be:

Exercise Goals:
Sunday: 30 minutes cardio -or- 30 minutes strength training
(Accomplished: 30 minutes of both!)
Monday: 30 minutes cardio + 30 minutes strength training
(Accomplished 20 minutes cardio on bike plus 2 mile/40 minute walk later in day + 40 minutes of ST)
Tuesday: 30 minutes cardio + 30 minutes strength training
Wednesday: rest day
Thursday: 30 minutes cardio -or- 30 minutes strength training
Friday: rest day
Saturday: 30 minutes cardio + 30 minutes strength training

Food/Calorie Goals:
1. I’m still working trying to stick somewhere between 1300 – 1500 calories per day.
2. I’m trying to work fruit and whole grains into my diet on a daily basis.

Honestly, I’m a bit sore today, but I’m chalking it off to the new pillows I bought yesterday. I bought some “extra firm” quilted pillows to replace the flattened pancakes we’ve been sleeping on for awhile. I love the new ones, but they may take a bit of getting used to. (An aside: I remember having the same pillow for just about my entire childhood… but as an adult, it seems as though pillows go flat so quickly. Is it just me, or are pillows becoming somewhat “disposable?” Note: not disposable in the waste/green/environmental sense, I’m just talking about pillow quality here.)

Anyway, as I was out and about yesterday I saw several little goodies that I thought I wanted and that, moreover, I tried to justify buying by telling myself that I had “earned” them. In the end, I kept my spending in check, but it did get me thinking about getting in the habit of rewarding myself for meeting certain goals. Other bloggers that I read are really adept at this, but up till now, I’ve had a hard time pin pointing longer term goals that I could set, hopefully accomplish, and thus reward myself for.

My husband and I talked about this over dinner last night (grilled chicken and feta crumbles over mixed greens with a sprinkling of homemade croûtons and a lovely olive oil vinaigrette) and he agreed that dangling some carrots in front of me as rewards for reaching specific benchmarks was a good plan.

I told him that I’d already sort of set the following goals/rewards in my head. But now that I’m put them in writing here, it looks like they’re official:
1. When I lose 100lbs (37lbs away) I’m going to buy myself a bike (a real one, not one that stays put in a corner of my house).
2. When my weight drops below 200lbs (58lbs away) I’m going to order *this.* I’ve had my eye on it for a long, long time.
3. If WHEN I succeed in completing the goals for April that I outlined at the beginning of the month, I’m going to buy myself one of *these* (though I flat refuse to pay that much for one).

When I told my husband he nodded and said that those sounded like perfect incentives. But then he added that he thought I needed a reward for losing 75lbs (a goal that is only 12lbs away).

“Like what?” I asked.

He thought for a minute. “Hmmm. How about a new miniskirt?” he offered sheepishly.

I had to smile. Clearly this would be a reward for HIM and not so much for me. But I agreed. When I’ve lost 75lbs, I’m going to try to find myself a “mini-skirt” of some kind. Honestly, it just made me feel good to know that HE thinks I’m getting to the point where I could pull something like that off. What he doesn’t know is that I’ll likely buy one that is a few sizes smaller than what I can actually fit into having lost 75lbs, but that way, it will continue to be motivator long after I’ve said goodbye to 75lbs. (Gosh, I can’t wait to say goodbye to 75lbs).

Anyway… as bikinime says, I’m having a kick-ass April.
I hope you are too!

April 8, 2008 Posted by | healthy you challenge | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 17 Comments

Pressing On

I’m not always right, and maybe it’s a little crazy to say it out loud, but sometimes I think I can honestly feel when I’ve gained even a little bit of weight. It may just be a pound or two, but I swear, I can feel those pounds hanging off of me… dragging me down.

The reason this seems a little crazy, is because, let’s face it, when you weigh 250lbs + 1 or 2 more pounds can’t possibly make that much difference. After all, 1 or 2 pounds represents such a small part of the whole. Nonetheless, when I gain, it’s usually not a surprise. I can feel it.

And I can feel it now.

Of course, I won’t weigh until tomorrow, but I feel it coming. Hopefully, I’ll be pleasantly surprised. But I doubt it.
That said, even if I am up tomorrow, I’ll be more bemused than anything else because it’s really been a pretty good week. I’ve kept up with my calendar all week. I’ve totally met my exercise goals for the week and while I’ve gone over my calories several times, it hasn’t been by *that* much. There’s been no binging… just an extra Starbucks here and there to throw me over the edge.


Truth is, I’ve been feeling pretty good. Like I’m “back” after my long hiatus from not having the energy to care much about whether or not I was on plan. I truly started the week trying to come up with plausible excuses that I could use at the end of the week in order to explain why I *hadn’t* made my exercise goals. But guess what? No excuses needed. I was an exercising fool. In fact, I exercised *more* than the goals I’d set for myself, and if I’m *really* honest, then I have to admit that there might have been a few minutes when it actually felt good. (Shhh. Don’t tell anyone).

So… *if* I am up tomorrow, I’m just going to blame it on hormones, the tides, a full moon and/or my mother-in-law and move on. Apart from eating a little better, I don’t think I can really ask more of myself than what I was able to give this week.

Sometimes, I guess, no matter how hard you try, the numbers just don’t add up.

Anyway, in non-gee-I’m-really-fat related news, if you get a chance to see Persepolis, I strongly suggest that you do. It’s achingly beautiful.

April 4, 2008 Posted by | losing weight | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments