Fat as Hell…

and not going to take it anymore!

What Me Worry?

I forgot to post yesterday’s weigh in:

260.8lbs – 261.6lbs = +.8lbs

Ok. So that means I’ve gained 1.6lbs over the last two weeks. I know I should be disappointed in myself, or something, but honestly, I just want to shrug and say big deal. Considering the weeks I had, *only* being up a pound and half (or so) seems like a miracle. Besides, this week is already going well. So far… I’ve stuck to my caloric guns and I had a really good work out today. I can totally feel it in my calves and in my tummy and I actually smiled earlier as I felt the sweat start to pour off me.

Oh, don’t get me wrong… I still hate exercising, but it feels good to be back in the saddle.

Plus, I did a little “jogging” today. Of course, I have to use that term loosely, because what I did probably wouldn’t be called jogging by actual joggers, but it was definitely beyond the scope of walking and it nearly killed me, so I figure I’ve earned the right to use the word “jog” at this point. Anyway, it was literally, the first time I’ve run since I was forced to during PE class way back in high school, and I have to say, it felt pretty good… better than I would have thought. I didn’t actually set out to jog, but I was doing some walking and, frankly, it just wasn’t enough. My heart rate was up, but not enough to make that much of a difference, so I thought, well.. I’ll just pick up the pace a bit.

Now… I think I may have mentioned before that the loop around my house is exactly .2 of a mile, so I know if I go around 5 times, I’ve made a mile. Anyway, I have to say that I never thought I’d make it around even once, but I actually “jogged” around the loop twice! Woo hoo! .4 of a mile! I had to walk the remainder of my journey, but I felt like a total rock star even going that far.

Anyway… it’s been a good day. And, I’ve made a decision. Starting this week, I’m moving my weigh ins to Saturdays. I’m going to stick with my “weigh as often, or as little, as you want to, but record your weight once per week” plan… but I’m making the big day Saturday from here on out, (or at least until I change it again), because I feel like knowing at the beginning of the weekend how I did the week before, will allot me more time to prepare a meal/exercise regiment for the week to come. Right now, having Monday as D-Day isn’t working as well for me as I would like because by the time I’ve weighed, I’m already in work mode, and it’s tough for me to change that week’s plans when the week has already swung into action. *shrugs* We’ll just see how it goes, I suppose.

In the meantime, I’ve been reading some thought provoking, inspiring and truly heart wrenching posts lately from some of the bloggers that I glean the most encouragement from… and I’m reminded of a quote from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. that was, admittedly, said about something very different, but that I think applies here: “We may have come here in different ships, but we’re all in the same boat now.” Each one of us is taking this journey for different reasons and we’ll all get there by different means, but in the end, I think there’s more than just an extra large waist band that links us. Forgive me if I sound a bit arrogant, but I think, quite frankly, that we’re a pretty incredible group of people: brave, strong and very much worth taking care of.

So… here’s to taking good care of ourselves.
We damned well deserve it. :)

February 26, 2008 Posted by | losing weight, weigh day | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

Done and Dusted

Well… the last couple of weeks have been long and grueling, but they’re finally over and I’m totally ready to move beyond them. So much so that I didn’t even attempt to go back and figure out my calories for the last week in order to update my food diary. Last week’s food intake is a complete blur to me. I did my best to stick to plan, but unscheduled snacking in between my well thought out meals became a real problem. And the truth is, I just don’t want to dwell on it anymore. I’d rather just move forward and forget about the recent days in which I veered off course.

In my experience, dwelling on failures only leads to more failures. And I’m just not willing to let that happen.

That said, I can’t just pretend they didn’t happen either. Especially since one of my goals for this month was to collect some much needed nutritional plan related data. So, to that end, I’ve gone ahead and filled in my monthly spreadsheet with what is my best estimate of how many calories I took in each day, that way, at the end of the month, I’ll still have an overall snapshot of how well I was able to stick to plan… but trying to figure out the details of it all for my food diary just isn’t happening.

The exercise bit, on the other hand, is a different story. I left those days on my exercise diary blank, and placed great big zeros in those columns of my spreadsheet because, well… there just wasn’t any exercise to report. There was no time, and even if there had been, I simply didn’t have the energy. I worked out today, though, and am planning to get right back on the bandwagon when it comes to moving my fat ass on a (near) daily basis. I’ve worked far too hard for the last 7 months or so to let one (or two) stressful weeks defeat me.

So… tomorrow I’ll step on the scale and take whatever punch it throws at me.

As I said *last* week, I feel as though I’ve already moved beyond whatever comment the scale has to make on what I’m well aware was a lost week. It’s not that I don’t care about what happened last week, it’s just that I care more about what’s going to happen next. My mind is already firmly planted in next week, which I *know* will be better.

In the good news department: I finished and mailed the massive grant proposal that sucked up so much of my energy these last two weeks. The author visit/performance that I’d been planning for months came off without a hitch and was, actually, a huge success both for me and for the students who participated. It was wonderful and a highlight of my career thus far. And finally, I finished the big, big video project that was dumped in my lap at the last minute. Finished it and it won second prize in the competition, much to my surprise! So… as I said at the onset, done and dusted. *whew*

And now… onward!

Goals for this week:

    Move my ass! I need to work out 5 of the next 7 days. Period.
    Break the snack habit: Too many unaccounted for calories last week. I don’t care if I eat my calories in multiple, smaller sessions rather than in 3 defined meals, but I need to plan it that way and not just reach for the dark chocolate whenever my fingers and tummy need filling.
    Say goodbye to Starbucks: My husband and I *were* going to Starbucks once or twice a week as a treat *and* only when I’d alloted myself those calories at the end of a long workday… last week, however, we went *nearly* every night. No more. Twice next week. Tops! And, if I do go, I will only order a tall. I will only order a tall. *clicks ruby slippers* I will only order a tall!

Hope everyone has a great week!

February 24, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

Is It Weird To Think of People You’ve Never Met as “Friends?”

Blogging is a strange business.

Through it we find ourselves connecting with people who, in real life, we’d likely never bump into. From the comfort of our jammies, our kitchen counters or our favorite chairs, we reach out and touch people who share our interests or who simply find that what *we* have to say provides them, in turn, with something to say as well. And all of this we do without ever *really* connecting at all. I’ll tell you, for someone who wasn’t born in the digital age and who still remembers rotary phones, typewriters and buying her first 33 1/3 record, all of this cyber roaming continues to represent a very particular and powerful magic.

Lately, I’ve been reading the blogs of people who I’ve grown to care about. (In a totally healthy, non-stalker kind of way, of course). :) Bloggers upon bloggers who have spent the last week or so eating right, counting their calories/points to the very last decimal and exercising enough to make Richard Simmons beg for mercy. And yet… weigh in day arrived and so did all of the weight they’d brought with them *last* week. Amount lost? None. Zip. Zero. Needless to say, frustration followed.

Here’s the thing. I haven’t been blogging very long. What I know about these women or, indeed, about any of the people behind the blogs that I follow on a daily basis, is, admittedly, pretty limited. And yet I’m saddened by their disappointment. I’m pissed off by the fact that they’ve worked so hard without seeing the results they deserve. I’m anxious because I don’t want this week’s frustration to cause them to give up on themselves. And I desperately wish I knew a few magic words that could help make it all better.

All of this emotion channeled towards people who don’t even know my first name. (It’s Jennifer, by the way).

Perhaps it’s because here we all are, slicing through the black, and letting the light shine on what is, likely, the most vulnerable part of ourselves. I mean, I don’t know about you, but I would *never* be brave enough to tell the people in my daily life, the people who I actually see every day, the truth about what I weigh. Sure… they know I’m fat. They have eyes, right? But, I’d never be able to say that number out loud to them. I’d never be able to talk about how being fat makes me feel. I’d never, ever consider exposing the still very raw wounds that being overweight has left on me. And I’d never feel comfortable talking about how hard I work every single day just in the hopes that I’ll be able to squeeze off one single pound of myself by the end of the week. And yet, here I am, and here we all are, doing all that, and so much more.

How could I not have a soft spot in my heart for people who show that much courage — even if I never actually get to shake their hands?

Anyway… we all know what it’s like to spend a week or a month or (heaven forbid) more struggling to do the right thing, fighting our natural instincts and pushing ourselves and our bodies to do things that we never dreamed we could do, only to be disappointed by the results. Deep down, of course, we all know that this is just a part of the process. We know that there’s few steadfast rules to this funny old game and that, in the end, the way our bodies work is far more complicated than some simple formula of calories eaten and calories burned. But it’s not much consolation when the scale gives us the middle finger, is it?

Honestly, I don’t really know where I’m going with all of this except to say that I’ve gotten so much from everyone who has stopped by here and offered me their support, kindness, and for lack of a better term, friendship. Losing weight is so hard. But doing it entirely on your own, with no one to bounce ideas off of, with no one to share you successes, failures and yes, frustrating moments of stagnation, is nearly impossible. Luckily, we don’t have to.

So… keep up the good fight, girls (and guys!)
Not one of us is in this alone.

January 29, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments