Fat as Hell…

and not going to take it anymore!

Up and Onward

Well… tomorrow is weigh in day and I’m headed for a gain.

I know it.
I can feel it.

Not to mention the fact that I went over my calories just about every day this week and only worked out 3 times the whole week, (and even that, until this weekend anyway, was pretty half-hearted.)

But… the truth is, I’m already over it. It’s not that I *like* gaining weight, of course. But, tomorrow, no matter what the scale says, I’ve already moved beyond it. I still have a very big and busy week ahead, but I know that if I can just make it to Thursday, things will ease up a great deal. I also know that part of my problem this week was that I didn’t sufficiently plan for the exhaustion that would come from an increasingly busy schedule and the strain over several simultaneous and stressful projects. I mean… I *thought* I was planning for it. I looked ahead into the week to come, and I thought, ok… I’ll just do a, b and c. But that’s not planning. That’s just thinking. And when the week got tough, thinking about it just wasn’t enough.

This week, however, I’ve done some planning. Some *real* planning. I’ve already worked out my meals for the week and even spent much of the afternoon steaming and prepacking veggies for lunches and dinners. I stopped at my local food co-op on Saturday and bought all my fruits and veggies for the week, and they’ve been scrubbed and dried and made ready to grab when I need them. I’ve got everything worked out and I’m hoping that with the map already laid out ahead of me, I won’t be so apt to take a wrong turn during those moments when I simply find myself too tired to think about what I should do.

Truth is, I doubt the work out situation will be much better this week. With several evening work-related functions in the days to come, I don’t see myself coming home and working out after a 12 hour day. I’m just banking on the fact that this will be offset by a return to healthier eating and a reduction in caloric intake.

*fingers crossed*

No matter what happens though, I won’t beat myself up. This week has been hard, and there have been moments when I’ve felt pretty disgusted with and by myself. But, when I take a moment and look at my calendar, and all those sticker laden days, I can see that, on the whole, I’m not doing so bad.

I don’t want to continue eating like I did last week.
Nor do I want to go so long without exercising.

But even my worst day last week was far better than my best day a year ago.

I’ve made changes in who I am and in how I live.
I no longer look at food in the same ways I did a year ago.
I no longer treat my body the way I did.

My life has changed.
I have changed.

And one week of imperfection can’t change that.

So… to the scale I say: bring it on! Whatever number it gives me tomorrow, it won’t be the end of the world. Nor will it undo or change all that I’ve accomplished. *Next* Sunday all of this will all be just a memory and I’ll have an all new batch of neuroses to ramble on about! Now that’s something to look forward to! :)

February 17, 2008 Posted by | exercise, health, losing weight, motivation | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

I accept.

When I took the plunge last summer deciding, once and for all, that my life *had* to change, I made the conscious decision to take it one day at a time. Since then, I’ve steadfastly refused to think about the bigger picture. I’ve purposefully put off setting a “goal weight” because, frankly, when you start off at 319lbs, any goal you set beyond 318lbs seems just too far away. And I’ve failed at this whole diet thing before, so I knew that if I set the bar too high, I’d never make it. And so my first weight loss goal was simply one pound. My second goal was one more pound. My third? You guessed it. And so on.

But now, here I am, over 50lbs gone and it feels like it’s time to start thinking about, if not *the* bigger picture, at least a slightly larger one than I’ve allowed myself to focus on up until this point. The truth is, I’ve been itching to cast a little bit wider net for some time now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still very much in favor of doing this one pound at a time, and I’m not about to start thinking about weight loss beyond that, (I’m still too chicken), but if I’m serious when I say that this is about more than simply losing weight, then I it’s really about time that I start taking a closer look at my total health picture, which will require that I do more than just keep track of what I eat each day.

So… where is all of this leading? Well, a couple of days ago Cammy posted her goals for February, issued herself a challenge, dangling the reward of a shiny new bicycle in front of her face, and then (double dog) dared everyone reading her blog to do the same. At first I thought… gosh, that’s a good idea, but I couldn’t think of a good way to challenge myself. I’m still working on making exercise a daily habit and I don’t know that I really understand my limits well enough yet to know what would be a realistic goal to set. I *will* get there, but February didn’t feel like the month for that. The same seemed true for calorie intake. Although I surely stumble from time to time and find myself going over my allotted calories or failing to exercise on a day when I really should, (*cough* Friday *cough*), for the most part, I’m doing pretty well and as each day passes, I find that it really is getting a little bit easier. Fixing a healthy lunch before going to work each day is no longer something that I really have to think about. I just do it. The same is true for breakfast. I get up, I know what I need to do. I do it. The end. Dinner is still something of a challenge, but I’m getting there too. In the end, just setting a calorie goal seemed a little like cheating.

Then I read Krissie’s post in which she wrapped up January, talked about goals for February and showed us her sticker laden January calendar. Now, this may not seem like rocket science to you, but looking at that calendar, I had an epiphany! I could do that!! I thought. What’s more I *should* do that!!

You see, even though I already record my calories and exercise here, my daily journal doesn’t provide me with much of an overview. It’s been difficult for me to discern trends or really get a feel for how I’m doing on the whole from those daily entries. And so, the calendar seemed like a great idea. I’m definitely a visual learner and I believe that keeping a calendar with stickers representing different aspects of my overall fitness will provide me with a great deal of information and motivation; the idea being that blank spaces on the calendar will *hopefully* put a fire under my ass when the usual motivators have all failed. Plus, the information I record over the next few months will, I believe, help me start setting realistic fitness and dietary goals for each month, for which I can eventually reward myself. In the meantime, however, I’m just looking forward to collecting some data.

And so I’ve decided to kill two birds with one stone:

I’m accepting Cammy’s challenge by starting my calendar for the month of February. On it, I’ll give myself a sticker (purple star) on days when I stay within my healthy calorie range (between 1300 -1500 per day). I’ll give myself another sticker (red star) for days when I exercise. And finally, I’m going to give myself a 3rd sticker on days when I include fruit in my diet. It seems to me, at this point, that fruit continues to be a weak link in my overall diet. I do eat the proverbial apple a day (on weekdays anyway) but nothing else beyond that. I’ve never been a great fan of fruit, but I realize that I have to start finding ways to incorporate it into my diet… so hopefully this will help. I’ll also record my weekly weight on the calendar.

To prove that I’m serious, I took a picture of my new calendar… even though we’re only 2 days in. I’ll post another at the end of the month, if only to prove to myself that I was able to follow through.

Calendar Feb. 3

In the meantime, I think it’s important to note how much inspiration I’ve gleaned from deciding to take my journey to health on the road, as it were. Had I not decided to start this blog and to read the blogs of others who are changing their lives in similar ways, I’d have missed out on an immeasurable amount of inspiration. You guys have such great ideas and I can’t even count all the ways that I’ve benefited from copying them. :)

Here’s to a fit (and organized!) February!

February 3, 2008 Posted by | exercise, health, losing weight, motivation | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments