Fat as Hell…

and not going to take it anymore!

They Don’t Call it a Confessional For Nothing

I have to tell you… I’ve really been struggling lately.

Struggling not to put food I don’t need to eat into my mouth.
Struggling to make time to add up my calories each day.
Struggling to get off my ass and do some kind of exercise (beyond just walking each day).
Struggling to stick to the stick-to-it-ness that’s kept me going so far.

One of the things I’ve tried really hard to do through out all of this is to not have unrealistic expectations of myself. I know I’m not perfect. I know that I never will be. I know too that expecting perfection from myself will only result in big FAT failure(s). Believe me, I’ve spent a lifetime setting myself up for failure, and I promised myself that this time would be different.

So far, I’ve done pretty well… but lately I’ve been feeling overwhelmed.

It’s tough to keep up with all the work that doing this involves. Between all the writing and tallying and posting and commenting and recording and analyzing and fretting and… well, you get the picture… it’s no wonder I can’t find time to exercise! Or at least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself.

Lately, I’ve been trying to find the *easy* way out of all of this. Ironically, I’ve been trying to figure out a way to lose weight without doing all the stuff that’s helped me lose weight in the first place.

Now, I realize that there are some people out there who don’t *need* to exercise to lose weight. People who don’t *need* to count calories or keep a food diary or to blather on endlessly about this freakishly hard journey. And while I *hate* those people, I also greatly envy them because I am NOT one of those people.

I *do* need those things.

And I *need* to make time for them or I won’t continue to lose weight.

So… to that end, I’ve decided to accept Paola’s gracious invitation to join the “food confessional” where I will attempt to post my daily food diary. I haven’t decided about how to best record my daily exercise, but I know that I have to start doing that too. Further, I know that I need to be better about setting weekly goals and then recording my progress towards them.

*sigh*

I wish I could do this without all the virtual “paper pushing,” as it were, but the hard truth is that I can’t.

It’s funny, but you’d think that this far into it, I’d know more. You’d think that having lost 75lbs, I’d have it all figured out… but I really don’t. In some ways, it still feels as though those 75lbs just sort of came off by accident. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve worked hard for them, but I can’t pin point one or two key things that made it possible.

Here’s what I *think* I know:

I *think* that when I write things down, I am more apt to eat less.
I *think* that if I don’t exercise before 8:00pm, it ain’t happening.
I *think* that my body processes fiber differently than other people.
I *think* that if I don’t get 8 hours of sleep, I suck at saying no to foods I shouldn’t be eating.
I *think* that I can’t just “have a starbucks” once in awhile… I’ve got to quit that stuff cold turkey or it will forever be a problem for me.

I haven’t, however, figured out the following:

How to make exercise a *habit* and not just something that I feel like I am forcing myself to do.
How to wean my husband off of junk food and onto healthier choices.
How to prioritize my time such that creating a healthy life for myself comes first.
How, when I don’t have enough time for everything, to figure out which things I absolutely must do in order to be successful.

If any of you have this all worked out, please… I’d welcome your insight.

In the meantime, I’m giving the confessional a go. I know I won’t be perfect… but right now I’m just shooting for more days when I do the right things than days when I don’t.

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May 12, 2008 Posted by | losing weight | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

WordPress is Being a Bugger

I’ve been trying for about 30 minutes now to upload my recent pedometer challenge pictures, but WP doesn’t want to cooperate. Nonetheless, here are my numbers:

Monday: 10,409
Tuesday: 15,199
Wednesday: 15,178

I’ll try to post the “proof” tomorrow.

In the meantime, I’m struggling with keeping up with all the different aspects of my weightloss program (for lack of a better term). When everything is running smoothly, and there’s enough hours in the day for me to complete everything, here is what I do: Count calories and try to remain under 1300 each day.

  1. Post said calories and all food eaten on my food diary.
  2. Exercise according to a weekly plan
  3. Post weekly exercise plan and…
  4. Post exercise progress throughout the week.
  5. Write/Reflect/Post other bits of flotsam related to my quest to lose weight.
  6. Maintain records of all of the above on calendar/spreadsheet for the month

I guess it’s important to note that there *never* seems to be enough hours in the day and right now, I’m really only accomplishing 1, 3 and sometimes 5 with any success. The others are falling by the wayside. And when I write it all down, it doesn’t seem like a huge amount of stuff to do, but currently, I feel like I’m being bogged down by the administrivia of it all. And frankly, if I do take the time, that is to say, force myself to do the other things on my list, something else will have to give… namley the time I currently put into exercising each day. And well… that just doesn’t seem so smart.

But I don’t know.

On the one hand, it seems smarter to be actually *doing* something about my weight than simply sitting around recording all of the things that I should be doing. But, on the other hand, I know too that writing it down and posting that information makes you more open to public scrutiny and, in that way, holds you to a higher level of accountability.

*shrugs*

A part of me feels like I’ve bitten off more than I can chew.
Another part just feels like I just need to prioritize.
And still another part wishes I had some chocolate.

Do any of you ever feel overwhelmed by how much work it is?
How you do balance it all?

April 30, 2008 Posted by | pedometer challenge | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Healthy You Challenge — Update 1

*drumroll please*

258.3lbs – 254.0lbs = -4.3lbs

4.3lbs in a week is a *huge* loss for me. 2lbs a week, *if* I do what I’m supposed to all week, is usually the most I can hope for and is what I’ve come to “shoot” for as a result. Anything else is gratis.

I guess getting “back on track” after a few weeks of only half-heartedly doing this has made a difference. Plus, and I’m sure you’ll agree… marking a loss is always a great motivator. For me, seeing a loss on the scale is *always* so much more motivating than seeing a gain. I read some bloggers who say that they need the occasional “kick in the ass” of a gain to get them back in the game… but not me. A gain only serves to make me feel more defeated. I find that, for me, one loss begets another loss and so on. That said, I hope this marks the beginning of a roll.

1.jpgIt was a lovely weekend here, and we took full advantage of the good weather by moving our exercising outdoors. On Saturday, I did a 3 mile walk around an area that the locals call “the loop.” I live right across the bridge from a set of barrier islands that are nestled between the mainland and the Atlantic ocean. “The loop” is a public footpath that starts on one side of the islands, travels across one bridge and over the intracoastal waterway, runs parallel to the ocean, then back across another bridge and then back around. It’s really quite lovely, and although I was really more focused on my walk then the view, I did snap this picture along the way, so I’d have something to show you guys. At this point, I was just about to cross one bridge, and if you click on the picture to make it larger, you’ll see the *other* bridge that would bring me back around, far off in the distance.

2.jpgThen, on Sunday, my husband and I took a walk through a park that’s right in our neighborhood, but that we’d never been to. It was beautiful, overlooks a marshy area and then a different part of the intracoastal waterway that I got to traverse the day before. In the end, we surely marked that spot as a good “picnic place” when the weather is really nice, but it wasn’t much of a “walk” so we decided to walk the same “nature trail” that we did last week. By the time we reached the last mile of the trail, I’d walked *at least* 6 miles in two days, and I have to admit I was feeling it. I wasn’t *nearly* as out of breath as my two dogs though who, in the main, seemed to be as glad to be outside as I was.

Anyway, it felt so good to be outside and I couldn’t help but feel that all this walking was doing more for me than the exercise I’ve been able to do while cooped up in the house all winter. My husband and I are “talking about” buying tennis rackets and then trying our hand at that once the weather really settles into spring and then summer… but we’ll see. Neither one of us is particularly “sporty” so I imagine such an effort would be good for a laugh, if nothing else.

One last thing. I’m really having trouble keeping up with my food and exercise journals. I’m still, absolutely, counting calories and sticking within my limits (as evidenced by my loss last week) I just haven’t had time to record them. For some reason, I feel racked with guilt over this. Part of me feels like I’m “cheating” by not writing all this stuff down — while another part of me feels like that’s ridiculous because, prior to starting this blog, I *never* kept a food or exercise journal. The thing is, I don’t want to get so bogged down in the administrative details of this that the pressure of having to write everything down knocks me off course. On the other hand, I don’t want to start slacking and sliding *because* I haven’t held myself to account by writing everything down.

It makes me wonder, because I read a lot of weight loss/health related blogs and I don’t really see *that* many food/exercise journals. Do you guys find them necessary or even helpful?

Anyway… I’m off to face Monday.
Happy new week everybody!

March 24, 2008 Posted by | exercise, healthy you challenge, weigh day | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments