Fat as Hell…

and not going to take it anymore!

One Step Forward, 1400 Calories Back

After last week’s ginormous loss, I didn’t expect much of a loss this week, if anything. In fact, I was half expecting a gain. That said, I was pleased to see the following numbers when I stepped on the scale this morning:

249.5lbs – 247.4lbs = -2.1lbs

So… not a giant loss, but totally respectable, and one I can live with and be grateful for.

Unfortunately, however, I did suffer a bit of a setback this afternoon. In the end, while I didn’t go over my calories by much, I’m bothered by how easy it was for me to overeat when given the chance. I posted more about this over at the Food Confessional, but the long and the short of it is that my husband and I went out to lunch with some friends today… and while, naturally, I had the best of intentions, by the time the meal was over, I’d not only eaten more than I should have, but I’d also kept on eating long after I was full. The part that really troubled me was how easy it was for me to “binge” with so little provocation. I didn’t feel pressured, I wasn’t upset, hormonal or otherwise emotional. I just wanted the food and I ate it. A lot of it. (Thing is, if you just look at the numbers, it might seem silly to be upset, but it’s really not the calories that qualify what happened today as a binge… it’s the fact that I continued to shovel food into my mouth, long after I was full).


Anyway, rather than dwell on this setback, I’m trying instead to look forward to tomorrow as a new opportunity to do better. One thing I am proud of is the fact that I didn’t use my fuck-up from this afternoon to continue to overeat later. There have been many, many times when I would have just thrown in the towel and followed up today’s binge with, at minimum, a hot fudge sundae. And I suppose that’s something to be grateful for.

Speaking of being grateful, my loss this week qualifies me for some new bling, and you better believe I’m gonna take it. :)

June 28, 2008 Posted by | weigh day | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments

A Weighty Day

Today is my wedding anniversary. At least I think it is. Neither my husband nor I can ever remember the exact date. It’s either today or the 24th… but since today is a Saturday, and we’re both off, we’re going with today. I can’t remember how many years we’ve been married either, but that doesn’t really matter much to me.

My husband and I have been together for a long time. We met when we were both in high school. I can remember the exact day, mostly because I actually have a picture of our meeting to remind me. It was near the end of my junior year and I was goofing around with several friends outside the cafeteria. We wanted to make one of those human pyramids, but we were one person short. Then one of my friends yelled, “oh, there’s David” and she waved him over to help us. So… we met on the bottom row of a human pyramid, and I have the picture to prove it.

Anyway, we dated on and off for the next year of high school, but then he moved 3,000 miles away to go to college. This was back before we all had things like email and cellphones to keep us connected, so we had to make a *real* effort to stay in touch through actual hand written letters, carefully wrapped packages and timed 10 minute phone calls, because neither of us could afford the, then outrageous, long distance rates.

David and I haven’t done anything traditionally. Growing up, we were complete opposites (in many ways we still are). He comes from a wealthy family, whereas my family was very, very poor. He was in the top 5% of our graduating class, whereas I barely graduated… you get the picture. In fact, if it weren’t for him, I’d have never made it to college at all. After high school, I floundered around, moving from one bad roommate situation to another, while working all manner of shit job. I spent most of my time either partying or running from creditors, but I surely wasn’t happy. I was, in essence, on the fast track to nowhere until one day a card came in the mail from David. In it was an acceptance letter to a community college in the town where he was living. He’d filled out all the application materials without me knowing, forged my signature and had the acceptance letter sent to him. Then he sent it to me with a card that simply read: “you have a decision to make.”

Two weeks later, I was on a plane. I’d sold everything I had, which wasn’t much. After I purchased my one way ticket, I was left with one suitcase and $150.00. That was July 22, 1990 and we’ve been together ever since.

But we didn’t get married until much, much later.

My parents have been married a combined total of 13 times. I like to say that they participated in the Divorce Olympics – my Dad bringing home the gold with a whopping 8 marriages (well, 9 if you count the woman he married twice). Nonetheless, marriage never really seemed like a viable option for me, given my genetic predisposition for failure… so David and I just lived together (happily, “in sin”) for years and years. Until one weekend 4 (or maybe 5) years ago when he said, “hey, wanna get married?” A couple of weeks later we went down to the courthouse and “tied the knot.” That in and of itself is a funny story, but I’ll spare you those details for now.

So… today is my wedding anniversary, I think.

But it’s also another important day. It’s my first weigh-in, in quite some time. The last time I weighed myself was *last* Friday. The night before, we’d ordered pizza and I’d eaten too much to recount now. I weighed myself Friday because I knew I was going to get back on track and I needed an accurate starting point. Prior to that, my previous weigh-in had revealed a disappointing 253.4lbs, but I knew I’d gone up even from there. So… last Friday when I stepped on the scale, it said 258.8lbs. I never posted that here for 2 reasons: First, of course, I was ashamed. But secondly, I just didn’t want to focus on it. I wanted to focus on doing the right things this week. I needed that number so that I could accurately measure my success this week, but beyond that, I didn’t want to think about it… so, I didn’t. Instead, I put my energy into getting used to eating properly again and exercising.

Those of you who have been following my food diary posts over at the food confessional already know that I decided to go the very low calorie route this week. My rationale being that, because I’d been “off plan” for so long (about a month) that my body had gotten used to much bigger, higher calorie meals, and as such, I wanted to cut way back and give myself some wiggle room for screw ups. I figured, if I aimed my caloric goal *lower* each day, if I did slip up and eat more than I should, I’d still be under the 1300 calories that I usually shoot for when I’m doing the right things and on track, etc. So… I began the week with a goal of eating 1,000 calories or less for the first three days. But then, when that turned out to be much easier than I thought it would be, I pretty much stuck with it for the remainder of the week. (Now look, before you bombard me with comments/emails about the dangers of very low calorie eating, fear not… I’ve discussed this option with my doctor before, and he gave me some guidelines were I ever to go that route. What’s more, it’s not permanent, it was just a way for me to jump start my “new start” – as it were).

All of that said, I almost didn’t weigh this morning at all because, frankly, I didn’t want to ruin the good thing I’ve built this week. Regardless of what the scale says, I had a great week. I not only stuck to my calorie goals, I hate healthy, good food and felt full *most* of the time. AND I exercised more often than I didn’t. It was a good, good week.

But, I did weigh. And here are the results…

258.8lbs – 249.5lbs = -9.3lbs

Ok. First of all… that’s a crazy amount lost. And I know that most of it is probably water weight resulting from the excess salt that my “off plan” diet included. Furthermore, I know too that the weeks to come will *not* include losses of that magnitude and in fact, next week, I may bump up a pound or two as my body compensates for the huge loss this week. But, nonetheless, I’ll take it.

So… today is a big day. It’s big because it marks my first significant weight loss in a long time, but more than that, and more importantly I think, it marks my first week of being back on track. It marks a week of eating right, of exercising and of feeling like I’m doing the right things for myself and for my body.

Oh yeah… and it’s also my wedding anniversary. I think. :)

June 21, 2008 Posted by | losing weight, weigh day | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments

Pedometer Challenge: Week 2 Wrap-Up + HYC Update

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketMan, this has been a busy week. But a good one. Before I get into my good news report, here are my pedometer numbers for the week:

Sunday through Saturday, respectively

And today…


Weekly total (I’m not including today in the weekly total): 90,254 steps
Daily Average for Week 2: 12,893 steps
2 Week Combined Total: 184, 216 steps
Daily Combined Average: 13,158 (this average includes my *bonus* steps from the first week)

Gosh. All this stepping is sure paying off in a number of ways. First of all, on Friday I had a long awaited doctor’s appointment. Anyone whose been reading this blog for any length of time knows that I have a love/hate relationship with my doctor and that a visit to his office, nearly a year ago now, is one of the things that most put a fire under my ass to finally start taking off the weight. Since then, I’ve been back to the doctor a few more times, and each time I go, I’m more and more determined to prove to him that I *can* lose enough weight to be taken off of the blood pressure and cholesterol medicine that he started me on last July.

Unfortunately, this kind of motivation sometimes leads to crazy behavior on my part.

For example, *knowing* that this appointment was coming up, I started weighing myself all the time. April arrived, and the moment I turned the page on the calendar and saw that doctor’s appointment looming, I went into scale overload. I found myself weighing every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I was so determined to show a “big loss” when I got to the doctor’s office, that I swiftly flew into obsession mode — which, let me just tell you, isn’t a nice place to be.

Anyway, after a week or so of this, I decided that I’d never make it to the end of the month, if I kept obsessing… so I just stopped weighing all together.

I thought… fuck it. I’m already doing everything I can to make myself healthy, stepping on and off the scale isn’t going to do anything except make me feel bad. So, I put the scale away for the rest of the month. I didn’t announce my decision here because, frankly, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to stick with it, but within a few days, I’d stopped thinking about the scale at all and was, therefore, able to focus on the business of actually taking care of myself. Imagine that! :)

So… Friday came and I went into the appointment blind. I didn’t even weigh myself that morning. “It is what it is,” I thought as I drove myself there and sat in the waiting room, vowing not to hate myself too much if I hadn’t lost any weight or even if, heaven forbid, I’d gained.

But then something amazing happened when I stepped on the scale in his office.

*drumroll please*

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


Now, the last time I posted my weight here, I was 254lbs. Since then I know I’ve popped up a couple of pounds and then back down one or two, until the week that I finally decided to stop weighing altogether.

But now I’m 244.4lbs. :)

I’ve decided to round it down to 244 even and call it a 10lb loss because, well… just because I want to. I realize, of course that’ll mean that I don’t get to spend any time enjoying the 70lbs lost badge, but somehow, I’ll manage, I think.

But wait!
That’s not even the best part!

The best part is that during my visit, the doctor said that the *next* time I visit (in 6 months) that we’ll look at reducing the dosage of the blood pressure medication — the first step in, essentially, weaning me off it completely.

I simply cannot tell you how ecstatic that makes me. Getting off this medication was, and continues to be, such a motivator for me. I don’t want to take *any* kind of medication for the rest of my life.

I’m only 37.

I just want my body to reflect my real age and not all the years I’ve added to my life by being obese. I know lots of people who spend all their time thinking about what they will look like once they finally reach their goal weight… and don’t get me wrong, of course, I think about that too. But the truth is, what I want most is to be healthy. And I don’t think that’s any more noble of a goal than the goal of just wanting to look hot in normal sized clothes… it’s just a different goal. (Though, looking hot wouldn’t be too shabby either, now that I think about it!) For me, getting off the meds and being healthy is the light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t know what weight that will be or what being at that weight will look like… I just know that I’m not going to allow being fat to kill me. And when I finally reach the point where I can say goodbye to the medication and where I start feeling and acting like someone who is only 37, well… *that’s* when I will have reached my goal.

Anyway, Friday was a good day.

But then again, Saturday was a pretty good day too. On Saturday a package arrived at my door containing these gorgeous earrings, which were hand made for me by the utterly fabulous Paola. What’s really cool about them, I mean, besides the fact that they’re absolutely beautiful, is that Paola sneakily asked me what colors I liked and then crafted the whole gift around my response – with pretty orange paper around the box, tied with a blue ribbon. So cute!

And the card read: “Keep on walking!”

Now, I ask you. Seriously. Does it really get any better than that?

It’s funny, you know… even writing all this out, it feels like it’s not really even happening to me. I mean, as hard as I’ve worked and as much as I’ve wanted to prove other people wrong about how much I will be able to accomplish, the truth is, I don’t think I ever really expected to lose 75lbs. Sure, I’ve tried to stay positive, and I can’t even count the number of times each day I have to remind myself that I *can* do this, but the truth is I’m usually far *less* surprised when I fail.

I wonder what it is about me that causes me to expect so little from myself.

Anyway… it was a good week here, folks. I hope yours was equally fantastic.

May 4, 2008 Posted by | pedometer challenge, weigh day | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 20 Comments