Fat as Hell…

and not going to take it anymore!

Another Notch

I think perhaps I’ve stumbled upon something important.

Over the last week or so I’ve spiraled pretty far out of control. In a series of events that would make Mr. Freud waggle his finger at me and say (in German of course) “I told you so,” the emotional trauma of the last few days has triggered a pretty significant regression on my part. Though I’m no psychotherapist, even I recognize that I’ve exhibited some fairly infantile behavior and, despite all my tough talk about personal accountability, in this instance I’m pretty dead set on blaming everything that’s wrong with me entirely on my mother. :)

That said, however, despite having lost at least one battle in the war this week, I’m feeling more and more tonight as though it hasn’t all been for naught. Let me explain. Normally, in these situations, my major weight loss stumbles tend to come in sets of two. First, I fall off the wagon as a result of the obstacle du jour — that is to say, the actual real or perceived wound that I feel the need to treat with a box of Krispy Kremes. Then, as if the first trip down mega calorie lane wasn’t enough, I then beat myself up for having strayed from the skinny path in the first place only to, ironically, seek out solace in food, yet again.

I know. I know.
Not too bright.

But this time has been a little different.

First off, I’m the first to admit that the wound was a bit deeper this time, and thus the fall was a bit longer, but… and here’s the important bit… I only fell once. There was none of the usual post-postmortem kicking of my own ass to contend with. Rather, I seem to have recognized something important this time:

Just as weight loss, in general, is a process, so too is recovering from the personal calamities that seem to so easily deflate even the most successful weight loss endeavors. It’s not as simple as falling off the horse and just getting back on. Rather, it’s about reaching the bottom of whatever hole you’ve fallen into (recognizing that some holes are much deeper than others, of course) and then climbing your way back up… one agonizing step at a time. Not only is it not fair to expect a one step recovery of yourself, but it’s totally unrealistic too. Sure, we’ve all heard the cliches about getting right back in the saddle after having fallen off, but anyone who’s ever been thrown from a horse knows that the reality of such a thing is much different. Recovery of any kind is a process… and this is no exception.

So here I am, climbing my way back.

I’m not “back” yet, but that’s ok. The important thing is that I’ve fallen as far as I intend to and now I’ve begun the climb out of this particular hole.

Baby steps, right?

All of that said, I’m happy to report that over the last few days I’ve managed to spend more time out of bed than I have in. With each day, I’ve gotten better at saying no to food that I don’t need to be eating. And tonight, I even went for a walk. Not a super calorie burning power walk of days past… but a walk nonetheless.

After dinner my husband and I took the dogs for a walk around our neighborhood. It was warm, but not hot. There was a light breeze and the dogs, for whom summer walks are just a little too close to cruel and unusual punishment, seemed so happy to be out in the world. We managed to get in about a mile and a half at a pace that was leisurely enough to allow conversation, but brisk enough to put a little sweat on my brow.

Afterwards, despite my normal aversion to everything exercise related, I felt, if not great, than at least very, very good. I felt a bit stronger, a bit more empowered and a bit further out of the hole.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring. :)

Oh. And one more thing…

In the 8 months since I started it, this blog has turned into something different than what I first imagined it would be.

At that time, I thought of it only as a place for me to chronicle my weight loss journey. And it has been that. But it’s been something more too.

When I first started, I never imagined sharing the kind of personal details about myself that I have. The notion that I’d one day write about my life and my family here just never occurred to me. Similarly, I truly never expected anyone to read what I wrote, especially not with any regularity. And I certainly never imagined that those who did would end up meaning so much to me.

In short, I never dreamt that I’d paint these walls with the kind of broad brush strokes that I have.

Needless to say, it’s been a pleasant surprise. But more than that, it’s been an absolutely necessary one. I can’t imagine what I would have done this summer without this spot and without all the people who choose to spend a little time sitting here with me. Whatever failures I’ve racked up in the last few months, I know they’d be so much worse without the support and guidance afforded to me by this blog and the little community that I’ve managed to become a part of.

I have to say, “thank you” just doesn’t seem like enough. But it’s all I’ve got.

August 14, 2008 - Posted by | losing weight | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


  1. Thank you for sharing.

    I think we all gain from blogging. From reading other people’s stories and from sharing our own. It’s a win win.

    Comment by AndrewE | August 14, 2008 | Reply

  2. :-) *sniff*

    Comment by Paola | August 15, 2008 | Reply

  3. I am so glad that you have found a secure spot to share your stories. I thoroughly enjoy reading your inspiring blog. Quite often, you seem to speak directly to me with your relevant and familiar experiences. I am so glad that you are here for us as well…so a “Thank You” to you too!

    Comment by Lynn | August 15, 2008 | Reply

  4. You’re sooo welcome!!! And by that I mean, “Thank you, too!” *grin*

    I think I know exactly what you mean about the blog morphing into something unexpected — mine did too. When I first started, I had the idea that I would be blogging calories and exercise and “oh boy, that was tough, but I managed to resist that chocolate”. (I also believed I would be at goal weight by now, but that’s another comment for another time! haha!)

    I think that at the center — at the heart of this journey — is the desire not only to lose weight, but to change our lives. We just THINK it’s all about weight loss, that’s how we get lured into doing this. *grin* But I think once we start to realize that this is a process, an ongoing and never ending process, that the weight loss actually becomes a side effect of all our work. We start to crave health, not just weight loss, and we start to crave healthy minds and spirits as well as healthy bodies.

    You are amazing. I am so thankful that you have been a part of my journey and so very thankful that I’ve been a part of yours. I just know that I couldn’t have made it as far as I have without you. :)

    Comment by BikiniMe | August 15, 2008 | Reply

  5. We’re here from you. And I do mean that.

    Because we’ve all been where you are now. And we’ll probably all be there again a few more times.


    Comment by Christine | August 15, 2008 | Reply

  6. *here for you.

    stupid non-editable comments…

    Comment by Christine | August 15, 2008 | Reply

  7. I find that this blog is sort of like “talk therapy” and everyone who shares is a therapist of sorts….we’re all here for each other and sometimes having a sounding board and unconditional support is exactly what’s needed…I’m glad I found you!

    Comment by Megan | August 15, 2008 | Reply

  8. BikiniMe: I think you are so right. What often begins as a quest to lose a few (or more!) pounds soon seems to morph into something far more meaningful and important. And for that reason, maybe, it’s all the more devastating when we stumble a bit and struggle to meet our goals. And, for the record, I couldn’t have made it this far without you either! You continue to be my “look, I’m jogging!” hero! :)

    All: Thanks so much for your support. It means a great deal to me.


    Comment by justoofat | August 15, 2008 | Reply

  9. Blogging is so much more than just writing about weight loss. I always feel good when I come and see an update and read about the positive things in your life, and I also keep you in my thoughts when things are not so great.

    We are all in this life together.

    Comment by Lyn | August 31, 2008 | Reply

  10. oke im here for u 2

    Comment by ron | March 6, 2009 | Reply

  11. Great blog and very motivating. I read about your blog on another weight loss blog (kimkinsdiet.blogspot.com). I’ll visit again soon. Happy losing!

    Comment by David | March 9, 2009 | Reply

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    Comment by The Leptin Diet | April 8, 2009 | Reply

  13. you should have to take it anymore, anyway great article, i enjoyed reading it.


    Comment by d | April 28, 2009 | Reply

  14. This really is a fantastic blog. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.


    Comment by crazy4irelandgirl | May 16, 2009 | Reply

  15. nice posting as usual, thanks.

    Comment by Aymen | May 26, 2009 | Reply

  16. It’s refined carbohydrate that makes weight loss hard. The blood sugar spike it causes can’t be processed quickly enough into energy and so gets stored as fat. Unfortunately low fat diet foods and obviously cakes sweets and white flour products are the worst offenders. If you end up with insulin resistance it gets even harder to lose weight.
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    Comment by Cathy B | October 9, 2009 | Reply

  17. This is my first time reading your blog. I was struck by several things you said that I could very much identify with: baby steps, it being a process, the surprise of blogging.

    Comment by Karen@WaistingTime | July 10, 2010 | Reply

  18. Manage your blood sugar better by eating more frequently and weight loss will come easier. Remember proteins , carbs and fats in every meal. It’s all about balance.

    Comment by Gordon | July 24, 2011 | Reply

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  22. By sharing your story you are also helping others. Thank you.

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  23. One quick question for you can you tell me why is it so damn hard to lose stubborn bell fat,I have been trying for years but nothing works can you help me please?

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  24. Great Blog!! Loving it.
    -Merrie K.

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