Fat as Hell…

and not going to take it anymore!

One Step Forward, 1400 Calories Back

After last week’s ginormous loss, I didn’t expect much of a loss this week, if anything. In fact, I was half expecting a gain. That said, I was pleased to see the following numbers when I stepped on the scale this morning:

249.5lbs – 247.4lbs = -2.1lbs

So… not a giant loss, but totally respectable, and one I can live with and be grateful for.

Unfortunately, however, I did suffer a bit of a setback this afternoon. In the end, while I didn’t go over my calories by much, I’m bothered by how easy it was for me to overeat when given the chance. I posted more about this over at the Food Confessional, but the long and the short of it is that my husband and I went out to lunch with some friends today… and while, naturally, I had the best of intentions, by the time the meal was over, I’d not only eaten more than I should have, but I’d also kept on eating long after I was full. The part that really troubled me was how easy it was for me to “binge” with so little provocation. I didn’t feel pressured, I wasn’t upset, hormonal or otherwise emotional. I just wanted the food and I ate it. A lot of it. (Thing is, if you just look at the numbers, it might seem silly to be upset, but it’s really not the calories that qualify what happened today as a binge… it’s the fact that I continued to shovel food into my mouth, long after I was full).

*shrugs*

Anyway, rather than dwell on this setback, I’m trying instead to look forward to tomorrow as a new opportunity to do better. One thing I am proud of is the fact that I didn’t use my fuck-up from this afternoon to continue to overeat later. There have been many, many times when I would have just thrown in the towel and followed up today’s binge with, at minimum, a hot fudge sundae. And I suppose that’s something to be grateful for.

Speaking of being grateful, my loss this week qualifies me for some new bling, and you better believe I’m gonna take it. :)

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June 28, 2008 Posted by | weigh day | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments

The Worm Has Turned…

Although I don’t always make it, I try very hard to go for a (vigorous, heart pumping, heavy sweat inducing) walk every evening. I started doing this about a year ago because, frankly, it was the only exercise I could do comfortably, (and when I say comfortably, I mean do without passing out — and even then there were a few times that I came close to doing just that). I think I’ve blogged before about the .2 mile loop that surrounds my house and how I spent much of last fall and winter tracing that loop over and over again.

The first night I decided to go for a walk, I struggled to make it around even once… but eventually I got stronger and that one time around slowly turned into two times and two times turned into three until finally I marked my first mile. I did that mile walk many, many nights… until eventually I did two.

Now, I walk a little more than 3 miles a night. But the truth is that the distance doesn’t feel as important to me as it once did. Lately I’ve been measuring my success by other means.

These days I’m no longer walking that .2 mile loop. Now I walk a 3.2 mile loop that runs through the golf course and around a lake that is adjacent to my neighborhood. It’s a good route for a couple of reasons, first off… it’s paved. I walk the same path that the golf carts take during the day and for me that’s a plus because regardless of how fit I get, I’m not all that coordinated and am sometimes prone to falling down… especially as the light begins to dwindle in the evening. The second plus that my new route has going for it, is that it’s quite hilly. I’m constantly having to push a little harder as I negotiate these inclines and descents… and with each hill I feel my heart rate increase or the strain in my muscles as I carry my, still pretty heavy, self up or down the path. And finally, the third thing I love about my evening walk is that it’s really and truly lovely. Just about every time I go, I chastise myself for not bringing my camera. One of these days I will, but for now all I can say is that there are rolling hills and a pristine lake complete with swans. It’s not wild or untamed by any stretch of the imagination but it is very charming and makes the exertion feel a bit more worth it.

One thing that I should mention now is that I live in the American southeast which means that, even in the evening, it’s still very hot out, but what’s more, the humidity here is downright oppressive. Tonight, when I left for my walk it was still over 80 degrees and the humidity was full bore. The moment you walk out the door, the sweat starts, and believe me, it doesn’t stop… which makes for a good work out, I suppose, but also makes for a pretty stinky return.

Anyway… I’m rambling a bit, but the point I’m trying to get to is that a year ago I’d never have been able to go for the walk I went for tonight. I’d never have made it even half that distance, and certainly not in the heat of summer. And what’s more, a year ago, I wouldn’t have dared tried.

A lot of the good folks in blogland right now are engrossed in a number of challenges. Several of my favorite weight loss bloggers are either currently pursuing, or have already mastered, the Couch to 5k challenge, and many others still are currently pushing themselves towards 100 push-ups. The brutal truth is that when I read about these endeavors, whatever joy and pride I may feel for my virtual friends as they pursue and reach these goals, is always tempered with a bit of jealousy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally sincere when I call BikiniMe my push-up hero, or when I tell Marshmallow or Andrew that I could hardly keep myself from jumping up and down for joy when I watched the videos and read about their recent 5k success.

And yet…

That joy rarely keeps me from looking down at my own still very flabby body and wishing that I were at the point where I could do even 1 push up or run even 1k (ok, who am I kidding? I’d settle for .01k at this point). But I’m *not* at that point yet. Not yet.

Not yet.

Changing everything about the way you’ve lived for the last 37 years isn’t easy. Learning to treat your body with respect and feed it in ways that are healthy and that promote a long life is hard, hard work. Many days I fuck up… and I’m sure the days to come will contain innumerable stumbles, but when I look back at where I used to be, it’s hard not to feel a little bit proud of how far I’ve come.

True. I’m not at the point where I’m ready to join the C25K challenge or attempt to do 100 pushups, but I am, literally and figuratively, miles away from where I used to be. I’ve lost weight, yes. And I will continue to lose weight, but what seems even more important tonight is the fact that I’m not the same person I was a year ago. I’m smarter, I’m stronger and I’m better prepared for the long road ahead. And, I bet, if you think about it, you are too.

It’s so very easy to fall prey to that little voice inside my head that constantly tries to remind me that I’m still fat and that even though I’ve lost a lot of weight, I have even more weight to go. (I’m sure you know that voice… in fact, I bet my voice and your voice are pals). The thing I think we all have to do is to quiet that voice with another, stronger, one. A voice that reminds us, no matter where we are on this journey, that we’ve come a long, long way and that each step forward takes us that much further away from the people we used to be.

Whatever I do, I must keep *that* voice at the forefront of my consciousness, because that voice is not only healthier and for more productive, but that voice is also right.

June 26, 2008 Posted by | losing weight | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments

A Weighty Day

Today is my wedding anniversary. At least I think it is. Neither my husband nor I can ever remember the exact date. It’s either today or the 24th… but since today is a Saturday, and we’re both off, we’re going with today. I can’t remember how many years we’ve been married either, but that doesn’t really matter much to me.

My husband and I have been together for a long time. We met when we were both in high school. I can remember the exact day, mostly because I actually have a picture of our meeting to remind me. It was near the end of my junior year and I was goofing around with several friends outside the cafeteria. We wanted to make one of those human pyramids, but we were one person short. Then one of my friends yelled, “oh, there’s David” and she waved him over to help us. So… we met on the bottom row of a human pyramid, and I have the picture to prove it.

Anyway, we dated on and off for the next year of high school, but then he moved 3,000 miles away to go to college. This was back before we all had things like email and cellphones to keep us connected, so we had to make a *real* effort to stay in touch through actual hand written letters, carefully wrapped packages and timed 10 minute phone calls, because neither of us could afford the, then outrageous, long distance rates.

David and I haven’t done anything traditionally. Growing up, we were complete opposites (in many ways we still are). He comes from a wealthy family, whereas my family was very, very poor. He was in the top 5% of our graduating class, whereas I barely graduated… you get the picture. In fact, if it weren’t for him, I’d have never made it to college at all. After high school, I floundered around, moving from one bad roommate situation to another, while working all manner of shit job. I spent most of my time either partying or running from creditors, but I surely wasn’t happy. I was, in essence, on the fast track to nowhere until one day a card came in the mail from David. In it was an acceptance letter to a community college in the town where he was living. He’d filled out all the application materials without me knowing, forged my signature and had the acceptance letter sent to him. Then he sent it to me with a card that simply read: “you have a decision to make.”

Two weeks later, I was on a plane. I’d sold everything I had, which wasn’t much. After I purchased my one way ticket, I was left with one suitcase and $150.00. That was July 22, 1990 and we’ve been together ever since.

But we didn’t get married until much, much later.

My parents have been married a combined total of 13 times. I like to say that they participated in the Divorce Olympics – my Dad bringing home the gold with a whopping 8 marriages (well, 9 if you count the woman he married twice). Nonetheless, marriage never really seemed like a viable option for me, given my genetic predisposition for failure… so David and I just lived together (happily, “in sin”) for years and years. Until one weekend 4 (or maybe 5) years ago when he said, “hey, wanna get married?” A couple of weeks later we went down to the courthouse and “tied the knot.” That in and of itself is a funny story, but I’ll spare you those details for now.

So… today is my wedding anniversary, I think.

But it’s also another important day. It’s my first weigh-in, in quite some time. The last time I weighed myself was *last* Friday. The night before, we’d ordered pizza and I’d eaten too much to recount now. I weighed myself Friday because I knew I was going to get back on track and I needed an accurate starting point. Prior to that, my previous weigh-in had revealed a disappointing 253.4lbs, but I knew I’d gone up even from there. So… last Friday when I stepped on the scale, it said 258.8lbs. I never posted that here for 2 reasons: First, of course, I was ashamed. But secondly, I just didn’t want to focus on it. I wanted to focus on doing the right things this week. I needed that number so that I could accurately measure my success this week, but beyond that, I didn’t want to think about it… so, I didn’t. Instead, I put my energy into getting used to eating properly again and exercising.

Those of you who have been following my food diary posts over at the food confessional already know that I decided to go the very low calorie route this week. My rationale being that, because I’d been “off plan” for so long (about a month) that my body had gotten used to much bigger, higher calorie meals, and as such, I wanted to cut way back and give myself some wiggle room for screw ups. I figured, if I aimed my caloric goal *lower* each day, if I did slip up and eat more than I should, I’d still be under the 1300 calories that I usually shoot for when I’m doing the right things and on track, etc. So… I began the week with a goal of eating 1,000 calories or less for the first three days. But then, when that turned out to be much easier than I thought it would be, I pretty much stuck with it for the remainder of the week. (Now look, before you bombard me with comments/emails about the dangers of very low calorie eating, fear not… I’ve discussed this option with my doctor before, and he gave me some guidelines were I ever to go that route. What’s more, it’s not permanent, it was just a way for me to jump start my “new start” – as it were).

All of that said, I almost didn’t weigh this morning at all because, frankly, I didn’t want to ruin the good thing I’ve built this week. Regardless of what the scale says, I had a great week. I not only stuck to my calorie goals, I hate healthy, good food and felt full *most* of the time. AND I exercised more often than I didn’t. It was a good, good week.

But, I did weigh. And here are the results…

258.8lbs – 249.5lbs = -9.3lbs

Ok. First of all… that’s a crazy amount lost. And I know that most of it is probably water weight resulting from the excess salt that my “off plan” diet included. Furthermore, I know too that the weeks to come will *not* include losses of that magnitude and in fact, next week, I may bump up a pound or two as my body compensates for the huge loss this week. But, nonetheless, I’ll take it.

So… today is a big day. It’s big because it marks my first significant weight loss in a long time, but more than that, and more importantly I think, it marks my first week of being back on track. It marks a week of eating right, of exercising and of feeling like I’m doing the right things for myself and for my body.

Oh yeah… and it’s also my wedding anniversary. I think. :)

June 21, 2008 Posted by | losing weight, weigh day | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments