Sweet Surprise…

You know… I woke up this morning feeling a bit down.

I was having one of those days where I was missing that feeling that I used to have when I chose not to worry about what I eat. I’m sure you’ve had those moments too; where you long for a few moments of just not caring… of not having to count the calories, worry about the carbs, worry about the fat, worry about the sodium, limit my portions and add it all up at the end of the day.

Sitting here this morning I thought… I miss living like a normal person. I miss just going to the fridge, grabbing what looks good and eating it, not because it fits into my daily calorie allotment, but because I want it. I miss being able to go out to lunch with friend(s) without spending the whole meal worrying about what I can eat and resenting myself and my friend(s) for all the things I can’t. I miss not spending every moment of every day worrying about how fat I am and how fat I will be if I eat this thing vs. that thing. I miss no longer being able to look at a banana and seeing just a banana. Now, instead, I see 100 calories… and then the questions begin. Can I eat that? Should I eat that? If I do eat that, what can’t I eat later?

It never ends.
And it’s exhausting.

On the other hand, there’s a lot of other things that I definitely *don’t* miss about the way I was before. I *don’t* miss having constant back pain. I *don’t* miss not being able to walk even a short distance without being out of breath. I *don’t* miss being tired all of the time. I *don’t* miss NOT being able to fit into a booth at a restaurant. I *don’t* miss trying on the biggest size at every clothing store I went into and NOT being able to fit into any of them. I *don’t* miss not being able to find shoes that fit because my feet were so swollen and puffy all the time. I *don’t* miss being gawked at on the street by strangers. I *don’t* miss refusing invitations because I was too embarrassed to meet new people. I *don’t* miss feeling like a failure all of the time. I *don’t* miss the look my husband would give me when he was trying not to show that my weight embarrassed him or made him sad. I *don’t* miss hating myself.

When you’re fat, these feelings too never end.
And that shit will kill you.

Sometimes, I just need reminding that even though this is hard, and even though I still have a long way to go, being the way I was before was a lot harder. And, yes, I might miss not having choosing not to care about my weight, but I would miss feeling better about myself even more.

But wait!  That’s not all!!

My day got even better a little later in the afternoon when a surprise package from Paola arrived at my door!

Just look at all the goodies I got!

!!!

A few weeks ago I asked Paola about the wholegrain Cracker Breads that she sometimes eats and posts

about over at the Food Confessional… little did I know that she would not only send me a whole box of these yummy (20 calorie!!) treats, but that she would also send me some Finn Crisps, some caramel rice cakes, some hot chocolate sachets, a lovely sweater (that no longer fits her because she’s getting so skinny!!) and another pair of beautiful, handmade earrings!!

Oh my stars!! Talk about generous and unexpected!! Of course, I had to open up each package and try each of the yummy treats she sent me from across the ocean… but luckily, because they’re so low in calories and good for me, I was able to indulge without going over my calorie allotment for the day.  Bonus!

So… all in all, I’d say it’s been a very good day.  :)