To Fight Another Day…

I’ve reached that point.

You know… that point in a project where all your “plans” have gone to shit, the project itself feels like a jumbled mess, your vision for its end seems further away than ever, and you feel like you’ve really only got 2 options: quit or start over.

That’s where I am. I’ve got to quit or start over.

A couple of weeks ago now, Krissie issued the 10 Day Challenge, in which she urged people to commit to doing something healthy for themselves for 10 days. In response, I pledged that I would take my alloted 1200 – 1500 calories per day and start breaking them up into smaller, but more frequent meals. The plan was to eat at least 5 smaller meals per day in order to curb my hunger, speed up my metabolism, squelch that feeling of deprivation and stop myself from overeating in the evening. And it worked… for five whole days.

Then things started to fall apart.

First my work schedule changed, which made it impossible for me to eat several times during the day. Then my husband and I participated in a number of “social” events in the evening, all of which included food and drink and making merry.

But really, those aren’t good excuses. The truth is, I’ve been on the downward spiral since my weigh in and doctor’s appointment several weeks ago. Since that time, and the end of the pedometer challenge, I’ve really, really slacked off. Apart from the 5 days that I managed to actually adhere to my 10 day plan, I’ve eaten too much and exercised too little. And as a result, I’ve put on weight. A lot of it.

This morning I decided to face the music and weigh in. And I have to say, it’s really hard for me to post this…. but I’m up. 9.4lbs. The last time I weighed I was at 244.4. Today, I’m at 253.8.

*sigh*

Part of me thinks, ok… that can’t be right. I’m just retaining water or I ate a bit too late last night or my scale is on the the blink or someone’s playing a joke on me. But the truth is, it’s been almost a month since I weighed and since that time I’ve been, at best, inconsistent when it comes to keeping track of my calories and exercising. In fact, since the end of the pedometer challenge, I’ve pretty much stopped exercising altogether.

And the thing is, all of this just makes me wonder… am I one of those people who, however unconsciously, is prone to sabotaging her own success? Did I get so freaked out about losing 75lbs that I secretly decided to put 10lbs back on, just because being fat and helpless is more comfortable for me than being thin(ner) and empowered? I have to tell you, the idea of that being true is very, very frightening to me. I don’t want to be that kind of person.

Anyway, like I said, it’s time to quit or start over.

So… here’s my start over plan:

#1: I’m going to restart the 10 day challenge.

I’m doing this just for myself. There’s no *prize* this time around, but that’s ok because even though I only managed 5 days before, those 5 days were important. During that time, I realized a few things about my eating habits. I started to notice patterns about when I’m hungry and about the kind of poor choices I make when I’ve allowed myself to get that grumble in my tummy. Eating smaller, more frequent meals helped curb my appetite significantly *and* helped me tackle the issue of portion size, which is something I’ve been struggling with for a long, long time. Thus, I don’t want to just shrug this off as a competition I didn’t finish… I want to finish it. I *need* to finish it. And, what’s more, I want to make this a habit that I continue long after the 10 day period is over.

#2: I’m going to keep using the Food Confessional.

When I started the 10 day challenge, I also started logging my food over at the Food Confessional. It’s probably no surprise then that when I stopped playing, I stopped logging. Food diaries aren’t for everyone and I anticipate the day when my use of this tool will change, but for right now, I’ve realized that this is the kind of accountability I need, so as long as Paola will still let me, I’m planning to start tracking my daily food intake again today.

#3: I’m putting my pedometer back on.

The really GREAT thing about the pedometer challenge was the fact that it kept me motivated to move my ass on days when I didn’t want to. After the challenge was over, I took the pedometer off and pretty much stopped moving. Again, this time, it’s only for me, but I’m putting it back on *and* even though I’ve only got a few days left in May, I’m determined to earn Scale Junkie’s 5k in May badge before the month is out. Walking 5k is something I *used* do almost nightly. (I can’t believe how much I’ve slacked off as of late). Earning this badge is something I really need to do in order to prove several things to myself.

#4: Get Back on the Scale, Baby.

I think this one is self explanatory. I’m back to weekly weigh-ins.

#5: Participate in the Summer Blog Party.

As some of you may know, Scale Junkie came up with a great idea for a Summer Blog Party in which lots of her readers are going to host various challenges and offer prizes, etc., in order to get and keep people motivated this summer. My plan is to participate in this in a number of ways. I haven’t worked out the particulars yet, but once I do, I’ll post them here. Either way, however, I know that my participation will help me stay on track this summer, which is something I desperately need.

That said, speaking of Scale Junkie and badges. Although this is not a part of my “plan” I’ve decided to remove the 75lb loss badge from my blog and move myself back a few notches. It hurts me to do it, but I’d rather be honest about where I am than to keep a badge that I no longer deserve. I did lose 75lbs, but I haven’t maintained it. So… now I’ve just got to work that much harder to get that badge back.

Anyway, I’m tempted to fill up this page with several more goals, but I think that’s enough. One thing I do know about myself is that I have a tendency to overreach a little, and if nothing else, I have learned that I do better when I make more realistic goals for myself. Baby steps, right?

In the meantime, I know I have a struggle ahead.

I’ve worked hard to build some healthy habits over the last several months, and I’ve had some successes, but what I realize is that it is just too fucking easy to slip right back into the bad habits that got me into this condition in the first place. And let me tell you, that’s pretty discouraging. It makes me wonder if I’ve really got it in me to keep fighting like this for the rest of my life. It makes me wonder if this will *ever* get easier. Will eating right and exercising *ever* just become the things I do? Or will they *always* be things that I have to FORCE upon myself?

I hope that someday I’ll be in a place where every day, every meal, every bite is no longer a battle.

But for now, I’m still fighting. And I guess that’s better than nothing.