Pedometer Challenge: Day 4

Little too sleepy for any brilliant insights tonight.

I did, however, want to post my numbers and thank everyone for their kind comments on yesterday’s meltdown post. I’ll respond properly soon. Promise. :)

In the meantime, keep fighting the good fight, folks. We’re all in this together.

Pedometer Challenge: Day 3

This has been a long, long (long) day.

I’m sure we all have those days in which our jobs require far more from us than what was originally described when we went to the interview, and for me, today was definitely one of those days. Not only was the work day itself very hectic, but it also seemed to go on forever: I had extra meetings after the school day was over, as well as another function that kept me there until almost 8pm. Additionally, part of the evening involved me making various presentations to several large groups of people. Exhausting! But the worst part came after I was all finished giving my little schpeel.

Once my part of the dog and pony show was over, a few of my colleagues decided to introduce me to some of the people there. Fine. But during the midst of this conversation, one of the teachers started to tell people about how much weight I’d lost.

*cough*

Pardon me, but… (as the cool kids say) WTF??

When did my own personal struggle to not be like the woman from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape become public knowledge? And when did it suddenly become okay for *other* people to discuss my fatness and/or my recent reduction in fatness????

I know I must have just stood there looking ridiculous because well, I simply don’t tell people that I am trying to lose weight. Recently, a few people have noticed that I am getting a bit less rotund and have very carefully asked if I’ve been losing weight. To all of those inquiries I’ve very politely said yes and even told one person how much I’d managed to shed, but only after she backed me into a corner, shined a bright light in my eyes, donned her Russian accent and said “ve have vays of making you talk, dahlink!” (Or at least that’s how I choose to remember it).

Anyway, I think it’s pretty clear that word has spread.

Of course, I’m making light of the situation now, but in the moment it was so awkward. I just wanted to crawl under the table and hide for the rest of the evening.

I mean, obviously, I realize that the more weight I lose, the less able I will be to keep it a secret, but I guess I just wasn’t prepared for situations in which I would be *forced* to talk about it. I realize too that the woman who “outed” me, did so with absolutely no malice in her heart. In fact, she kept repeating one phrase over and over again: “We’re all very proud of her.”

*gulp*

They’re all very proud of me?

Who are they???

And now what happens if I let them down??????

Seriously, at this point, I totally started to freak out.

So… what did I do? Well, of course, I did what every rational, right minded, clear thinking individual would. I went over to the “buffet table” — the same buffet table that I’d successfully avoided all night long — and ate a piece of cake and drank a can of sugary soda. At this point, it is probably important to note that I *knew* in advance that there would be food at this event. So, like a good little fat fighter, I packed myself a sensible dinner. And, what’s more, I’d already eaten said sensible dinner. Which means that at the time of my emtional meltdown, (which could only be treated by cake, apparently), I’d already eaten and was, therefore, already full.

And you know what the worst part is?

I didn’t even like it. Seriously, I derived absolutely no pleasure from either of my high calorie “comfort foods.” In fact, the only thing I could think of the entire time I was eating (and drinking) them was that a) *they* are watching me right now and b) I am letting *them* down.

And here’s the thing… I *know* that these are the rantings of a mad woman. Believe me, I realize that these are seriously the kind of things that a crazy person does. Normal people do not have these kinds of twisted relationships with food. Nor do they spiral into bizarre bouts of mania when someone, ever so gently, forces themselves into their worlds.

*sigh*

Anyway, by the time I got home I was pooped. However, the situation turned from bad to worse when I checked the pedometer and realized that despite my busy day, I’d only taken 5800 steps. I’ll be honest, at first I just thought, “oh, fuck it.” But then I started to think about the challenge and the commitment I’d made to myself, not to mention the extra calories I’d managed to shovel into my mouth earlier in the evening, so I laced up my sneakers, fired up the old iPod and made my way around the .2 mile loop that goes around my house– over and over again until finally my pedometer gave me a number I could live with.

It’s funny, but I’ve read about people whose tendency it is to sabotage their own success… and tonight I’m left wondering if I’m one of those people. Was it the pressure of the evening that just got to me or am I the kind of person who secretly doesn’t believe that I have the right to be happy? I’m constantly telling myself that I am not an “emotional eater” and that I’m fat simply because I love food, but I’m not so sure that, after tonight, I can continue to go on believing my own bullshit.

The truth is, I don’t really understand what made me go apeshit tonight. I just know that despite the 10,000 steps forward that I may have taken today, it’s difficult to see anything more than the one GIANT step that I also took back.

Pedometer Challenge: Day 2

Although this is my 3rd day of participation, it’s only the 2nd official day of the challenge, and frankly, given the stormy weather we’re currently having in my neck of the woods today, I was worried that I wouldn’t put in a good showing. However, it was a *very* busy day at work today and that, apparently, paid off in the step department.

That said, what’s even more exciting than the numbers I’m achieving each day, are the changes that I’m already making in what I do, each day, just to be sure that I get a few *more* steps in. For example, today, instead of sending several emails, I took a trip down the hall or to another building to deliver said messages in person. I parked as far away as possible when going to a meeting in the afternoon, and instead of sending students to run various errands throughout the day, I was more motivated than ever to get off my fat ass and do them myself.

The thing is, thinking about the overall changes that you have to make to your life in order to lose a significant amount of weight and keep it off, can be difficult and discouraging. There’s nothing more daunting than allowing yourself to watch that particular pile of “to do’s” grow into a mountain that seems absolutely impossible to scale. That’s why, whether you’re doing it just for fun or because you’ve got that killer competitive instinct, something like this challenge can be so positive because it helps to prove how simply changing one or two little things can make a big, big difference in your overall attitude and in your ability to reach the bigger goals.  For me… this is just the kind of nudge that I needed.

Of course, I have no idea if it will translate to actual pounds lost, but there’s no doubt that simply moving more is better for you than sitting around — even if you’re not stuffing your face while doing it.

One last thing: I think it’s important to note that even though this a “competition” I really have no clue how many steps the average person walks each day. I know that the American Heart Association pushes the goal of *at least* 10,000 steps a day, which is what I am trying to achieve. I’m sure they’ll be many days when I don’t make it there, but each day that I do feels like a pretty big victory. So, in the end, I’m really just looking at this like a competition against myself. I’m hoping to keep up a strong pace while also maintaining enough motivation to use exercise to pick up the slack on days when I don’t naturally meet my 10,000 step goal.

Anyway, thanks again for FBM for stoking the fire under my butt. I think this is exactly the kind of thing that makes having a “blog community” such a crucial part of doing this. I might’ve been able to do this alone… but geez, it wouldn’t have been nearly as much fun.