Pedometer Challenge: Day 3
This has been a long, long (long) day.
I’m sure we all have those days in which our jobs require far more from us than what was originally described when we went to the interview, and for me, today was definitely one of those days. Not only was the work day itself very hectic, but it also seemed to go on forever: I had extra meetings after the school day was over, as well as another function that kept me there until almost 8pm. Additionally, part of the evening involved me making various presentations to several large groups of people. Exhausting! But the worst part came after I was all finished giving my little schpeel.
Once my part of the dog and pony show was over, a few of my colleagues decided to introduce me to some of the people there. Fine. But during the midst of this conversation, one of the teachers started to tell people about how much weight I’d lost.
*cough*
Pardon me, but… (as the cool kids say) WTF??
When did my own personal struggle to not be like the woman from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape become public knowledge? And when did it suddenly become okay for *other* people to discuss my fatness and/or my recent reduction in fatness????
I know I must have just stood there looking ridiculous because well, I simply don’t tell people that I am trying to lose weight. Recently, a few people have noticed that I am getting a bit less rotund and have very carefully asked if I’ve been losing weight. To all of those inquiries I’ve very politely said yes and even told one person how much I’d managed to shed, but only after she backed me into a corner, shined a bright light in my eyes, donned her Russian accent and said “ve have vays of making you talk, dahlink!” (Or at least that’s how I choose to remember it).
Anyway, I think it’s pretty clear that word has spread.
Of course, I’m making light of the situation now, but in the moment it was so awkward. I just wanted to crawl under the table and hide for the rest of the evening.
I mean, obviously, I realize that the more weight I lose, the less able I will be to keep it a secret, but I guess I just wasn’t prepared for situations in which I would be *forced* to talk about it. I realize too that the woman who “outed” me, did so with absolutely no malice in her heart. In fact, she kept repeating one phrase over and over again: “We’re all very proud of her.”
*gulp*
They’re all very proud of me?
Who are they???
And now what happens if I let them down??????
Seriously, at this point, I totally started to freak out.
So… what did I do? Well, of course, I did what every rational, right minded, clear thinking individual would. I went over to the “buffet table” — the same buffet table that I’d successfully avoided all night long — and ate a piece of cake and drank a can of sugary soda. At this point, it is probably important to note that I *knew* in advance that there would be food at this event. So, like a good little fat fighter, I packed myself a sensible dinner. And, what’s more, I’d already eaten said sensible dinner. Which means that at the time of my emtional meltdown, (which could only be treated by cake, apparently), I’d already eaten and was, therefore, already full.
And you know what the worst part is?
I didn’t even like it. Seriously, I derived absolutely no pleasure from either of my high calorie “comfort foods.” In fact, the only thing I could think of the entire time I was eating (and drinking) them was that a) *they* are watching me right now and b) I am letting *them* down.
And here’s the thing… I *know* that these are the rantings of a mad woman. Believe me, I realize that these are seriously the kind of things that a crazy person does. Normal people do not have these kinds of twisted relationships with food. Nor do they spiral into bizarre bouts of mania when someone, ever so gently, forces themselves into their worlds.
*sigh*
Anyway, by the time I got home I was pooped. However, the situation turned from bad to worse when I checked the pedometer and realized that despite my busy day, I’d only taken 5800 steps. I’ll be honest, at first I just thought, “oh, fuck it.” But then I started to think about the challenge and the commitment I’d made to myself, not to mention the extra calories I’d managed to shovel into my mouth 
earlier in the evening, so I laced up my sneakers, fired up the old iPod and made my way around the .2 mile loop that goes around my house– over and over again until finally my pedometer gave me a number I could live with.
It’s funny, but I’ve read about people whose tendency it is to sabotage their own success… and tonight I’m left wondering if I’m one of those people. Was it the pressure of the evening that just got to me or am I the kind of person who secretly doesn’t believe that I have the right to be happy? I’m constantly telling myself that I am not an “emotional eater” and that I’m fat simply because I love food, but I’m not so sure that, after tonight, I can continue to go on believing my own bullshit.
The truth is, I don’t really understand what made me go apeshit tonight. I just know that despite the 10,000 steps forward that I may have taken today, it’s difficult to see anything more than the one GIANT step that I also took back.
No malice from this person? That wasn’t my first thought. It’s highly possible that this person outed you because of jealousy and wanted to humilate you by being condescending. Of course, I don’t really know this person and I sound harsh, but I’ve experienced this type of thing first hand myself and it’s really surprising just how deep the jealousy can run for another person’s weight loss success. Also, I think for some fat people (myself included), we try very hard to blend in and be just one of crowd and when it’s brought to our attention that we’re not(however it’s done), it can be quite a hard blow to our emotions.
A small blip, not a giant step. It was only one bit of cake, right? And you didn’t even like it enough to inhale a second piece, right? Sounds pretty impressive to me. Don’t beat yourself up over it.
And congratulations on dragging your butt around another 5000 steps. Now that kicks arse. Well done.
Oh, and about the weight loss comments. From the other side of the fence (one guy at work has recently lost a lot of weight) - it really is genuine. Those of us with only a few kilos to lose are fascinated by the journey of someone who has managed to lose 30kgs/~70lbs. And yes, we’re very proud of what he’s managed to achieve.
But we don’t bail him up in a corner, and we don’t talk about him like a show pony. This is his personal challenge, and nothing to do with us. So I think you’re within your rights to say, “it’s personal” and walk away. Or you can feed off the buzz (zero calories!), and let it motivate you further…
That woman was very rude. I’m not sure she intended to be, but she was. I’ve had two people (both women, which is kind of interesting in light of your event) mention *in the middle of* a large meeting, “Haven’t you lost a lot of weight?” One went on to ask if it was around a hundred pounds. Both times were awkward and I stammered out a response that seemed appropriate at the time. Most men at work don’t mention the weight loss. The big boss leaned his head in the door one day and told me I was inspiring him and to keep up the good work. Very quietly, respectfully. And he’s lost 45 pounds since then. LOL
Forget the cake. It’s done and digested by now. Focus on the future.
I’m confused.
I don’t understand why one’s diet must be a secret at work when success means that you’ll visibly change? Or is it because you don’t want them to know so they can’t sneer if you fail?
As it happens, I did the opposite: I told loads of people at the beginning to make it harder for me to back out - the tag line of The Food Confessional blog is, after all, “dieting by embarrassment”.
I think too much is being read into the woman’s intent. Can’t it just be taken at face value?
With my pop-psychological hat on, I wonder whether you don’t want people you know to know what you’re trying to achieve because they are then more people you can potentially let down if you fail. By sabotaging your diet in front of them, you created a self-fulfilling prophecy - maybe you expect to fail or maybe you don’t feel you have the right to be slim.
I want to understand why you want to keep your diet secret and why it freaked you out that someone would be so impressed with your progress that they would praise you for it in front of others.
I think the lady was probably clueless but well intentioned. Did she stop for a moment to think that this might bring up all this chaos and confusion? I would like to think not, for I want to believe that everyone is cheering you on.
In times of stress, I eat. Panic, eat. Argue, eat. (Insert any emotion),eat.
Congratulations in walking afterwards, that was a break against the automatic response you have for slipping up for a moment. You may have fallen off the wagon, but girl at least you walked behind the wagon afterwards!!!
Keep up the good work!
I am sooooo here with you. This is exactly the reaction I would have had to this type of attention. Eggsactly. And I’m glad that Louise has given me another phrase to practice, “It’s personal.” though I would probably add, “Thank you for noticing.” because I’m still kind of a needy crowd-pleaser like that — still want everyone to like me to some degree, even someone who just objectified me to an audience of onlookers. Unlike Paola, I do not have any questions about your need to keep your diet under wraps. I do, however, wonder about the woman who seemed to take possession of your accomplishment and want to show you off — who does that??? (other than my mom, I mean. :) ) I have no questions about why you immediately went over and ate a piece of cake and drank soda. I am incredibly impressed with the way you laced yourself into your shoes and went for a 5800-step walk, when it would have been sooo easy to just give up on the day altogether and start anew tomorrow.
You, my friend, are FABULOUS. :)
Paola, I think it might be that some people are just more private than others. I mean, why should someone’s personal issues be made public, regardless if it’s obvious to everyone or not? I think it comes down to respect and sensitivity - there’s nothing wrong with praising someone for their weight loss, but it’s about how it’s done. Saying it in front of a group of people that you’ve just been introduced to? Not so good. Saying it one-on-one to the person? Much better.
What if it wasn’t a weight issue but something like a drug or alcohol problem instead? Would it be appropriate to introduce this person as, “this is so-and-so everyone, she’s been clean and sober now for almost a year, isn’t that wonderful?”. I think it boils down to people needing to be respectful and considerate of others, and if someone is trying to overcome adversity or is facing a challenge like weight loss, then allow that person to be the one to speak for themselves. Different people need different methods for weight loss and each individual should be able to make the decision whether or not one method of “keeping in check” is better than the other.
I think would have handled things about the same way as you. I think I’m one of those self sabotage type people. It seems like I do very well up until people start to notice and make comments about my weight. When I start getting attention - that’s when I cave and start sliding back up the scale again. Since I’m still re-losing the re-gained pounds from last time - I have no idea how I might handle things better this time around.
I really like Louise and BikiniMe’s response though and will consider saying the same type of thing. “It’s personal, but thank you for noticing”. Ahhh…… I may actually be able to do that…..
Don’t worry about the cake - a small blip that was more than made up for when you decided to finish up your steps yesterday. Getting right back on track is the best thing you could have done - and you did!
I wholeheartedly agree (and should have said) that J was a star to make the extra effort to do the day’s walking.
I’m curious to know whether most diet bloggers do it anonymously. I suspect they do.
Natasha: Thank you so much for your kind comments. I still don’t think that my coworker meant any harm, I just think that she was a clueless and careless… but the result to my psyche was the same nonetheless. Either way, I greatly appreciate your insights and hope that you’ll leave me a link in the future so that I can check out your blog (if you have one).
Louise: You have a healthy way of looking at this and I really appreciate your kind comments. You’re right, it’s so much better to feed off the buzz than to let it freak you out. Clearly, this is something I still need to work at. :)
Cammy: You’re a doll, and I always appreciate your input. Funny thing is, the woman who shined the spotlight on me could easily stand to lose 100+ pounds, though I never thought about it until you mentioned the person that you inspired. Who knows… maybe she’ll start her own weight loss journey as a result too! :)
Paola: I think there’s a few factors at play here, for me anyway. You’re right that part of it is that I’ve been through the dieting cycle before. I’ve gone on a diet, told folks I was on a diet, fell off the diet and then had to face them when I was still fat and no longer dieting. Public failure ain’t pretty… but for me, the fear of humiliation isn’t a motivator. Rather, it has the opposite effect. That said, this time was different for me because I’m not on a diet. Rather, I am trying desperately to learn how to change the way I live and eat forever. This isn’t a temporary thing… this isn’t something I will stop once I lose the weight. This *has* to be about the rest of my life, or it won’t work. I’m committed to that. That said, because such life changes don’t just *happen* overnight and because I fully admit that I really have no idea what I’m doing and that I’m, in essence, just trying on ways of living until I find the way that fits me “just right” (I’m like the goldilocks of dieting), I haven’t found a way of sharing that journey with people who aren’t on a similar one themselves. Everyone here is struggling with the same battles I am… that’s not true of the people I work with or know in real life and, maybe it’s a flaw, but I don’t know how to have those kinds of discussions with people who aren’t in the same boat, so to speak… mostly because I haven’t come to any real conclusions other than I need to live differently and I’m trying hard to figure out how to do that. *shrugs* Plus, and this may be hard to believe, but in real life I’m actually a fiercely private person. I don’t share a lot of intimate details with people about anything, and perhaps this is just one more example of that. The truth is, I don’t know what other people do, I just know that this is what I’m doing… and maybe once I get to the point where I feel like I’ve discovered some truth about it or I feel like I’ve reached a point where I know what I’m doing, I’ll be more apt to share more about this journey with other people — but for now I’m content to keep it personal. To write about it here and get feedback from all of you, but to keep it to myself when I’m among those folks that I actually have to look in the eye.
Tanya: I absolutely *love* this expression: “You may have fallen off the wagon, but girl at least you walked behind the wagon afterwards!!!” You rock, girl. Thanks for the smile!
BikiniMe: I’ve totally started doing the whole “thank you for noticing thing.” In fact, I’m finding that I’m getting good at replying. Check it out:
Person: “Hey are you losing weight?”
Me: “I’m trying… thank you for noticing!”
See? I’m getting really good at it. Go ahead… ask me again. *wink*
Sunny: I’m with you. Paola has talked, on her blog, about gaining weight in order to be invisible to other people. I never would have thought that such a thing would apply to me, but it make sense when you consider how difficult all the attention we get from losing weight is to take. Something to think about for sure.
Thank you to everyone who left me such thought provoking comments. I heart you guys!
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