Letting My Guard Down…
A funny thing happens when you start to lose weight. It takes a little while, admittedly, but then the pounds start to come off and you find yourself able to wear clothing that’s a size or two smaller than you have been. Then a co-worker, (or someone else who isn’t required by law to be nice to you), tells you that you look great and suddenly, one day, you kind of forget that you’re still fat.
Or at least, that’s what happened to me.
Lately, I’ve been feeling so good about myself. I’ve been counting up the calories, eating (mostly) right, posting my food intake each day and exercising like a mad woman. I’ve even been taking expeditions to the far reaches of my closet, and returning with outfits that haven’t seen the light of day for years, only to find that many, many of my “skinny” clothes (if one can ever be forgiven for calling a size 22 skinny) are starting to fit again. And even though the scale hasn’t moved much in the last couple of weeks (I’m down a pound and a half from last week), when I’ve looked in the mirror recently, I haven’t seen a fat girl at all… rather, I’ve seen the new, healthier me.
And it’s funny, because I know that this change in attitude has translated to other aspects of my life as well. For example, I know that my walk has changed. The way I carry myself is completely different now. Whether it’s walking down the hall at work or passing another walker along the “loop” near my house, lately, I’ve been a little surprised myself by how easy it seems to make eye contact with other people, to smile and look them in the eye as I go by. The old me would have never had the courage to face other people in that way. Instead, I’d have searched the floor, or followed my feet to my next destination. I’ll tell you, it’s hard to carry around that kind of shame.
Then on Thursday, as I was rounding out the first mile of a 3 mile walk near my house, a couple of guys standing outside a restaurant yelled “move it fat ass” as I walked by. It’s really funny because, at first, I truly didn’t realize that they were talking to me. After all… I’m not fat anymore, right? But then I could see them pointing and laughing. One of them made a joke about the earth shaking beneath my feet and he grabbed a nearby column for support.
That’s when it dawned on me.
I’m the fat girl.
I’m still fat.
Suddenly, everything started to spin. The only thing I could think about was escape. I just wanted to get away. I walked as fast as my chubby little legs could carry me, but suddenly I felt every one of the 255lbs I was carrying. I pushed and pushed until I rounded the next corner… red faced and completely out of breath. I stopped and tried to steady myself until finally, I started to cry… and I didn’t stop for two straight miles.
I read a lot of weight loss blogs and I know that some of you reading this now didn’t put on weight until later in life… either after turning a certain age or after having had children, but I’ve been fat my whole life. I have no idea what it’s like to be thin and to look at another person and think “man, they’re fat.” I’ve never been the skinny girl amongst my friends. I’ve *always* been the fat girl, and as such, I’ve been the butt of many, many jokes.
But… as a result, I’ve also developed some pretty effective ways of coping with that reality.
Being fat forced me to compile a whole reservoir of witty combacks to the obligatory fat jokes. I learned to avoid certain people, places and environments that might draw attention to my fatness. Over time, I learned to thicken my skin and to wear armor in vulnerable situations. And, eventually, I learned to accept cruelty as just a natural consequence of being fat.
The problem is… I’d forgotten that I was fat.
When I was fat, I could deal with assholes like the ones I encountered Thursday night. I was prepared for them. I knew what to do.
Feeling better about myself left me vulnerable. Feeling better about myself left me unprepared. And as I result, I got hurt.
Since Thursday, I’ve been replaying the moment in my head. What should I have done? In some of my more satisfying instant replays I turn into fatzilla and destroy them handily, but oh so painfully, by simply wielding my considerable girth in their direction. While in another retelling, I’m able to slit their greasy throats with nothing more than my incredibly sharp tongue.
In the end, I realize that the important thing is not what I did then, but what I do now.
The thing is, I’d be lying if I said that I’d just been able to chalk it off and move forward as though it never happened. And I’d also be full of shit if I didn’t admit to being sorely tempted to climb back into the fat facade I’ve been wearing for years. After all, it was far safer in that place. But the truth (also) is that I’m not ready to give up on the newer, more confident me either. I don’t want to stop feeling the way I’ve felt these last few weeks. I don’t want to let go of the joy that accomplishing, at least part of, my goal has brought me. And I sure as hell don’t want to throw in the towel and reside myself to always being someone that other people will be able to ridicule and abuse.
So tonight I find myself in an awkward position… stuck somewhere *between* the old me and the person I want to be.
What I want more than anything is to accept this for what it is… a bump in the road… a momentary set back… a minor and unimportant incident. But when your life story is riddled with these types of anecdotes, it’s tough to just shrug it off. After all, old wounds often take the longest to heal.
The bastards.
Hugs! I completely identify with you in never knowing what it was like to skinny. I am currently dealing with it, now that I am at a more normal weight. I still see myself as fat. Thank you for writing about your experience this week. I have had them and developed a thick skin as well. For me I would usually make the joke before someone else could.
A pox upon them. I spit on their heads. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest their armpits.
But really, what they have to say is more about them than about you. Think what pathetic little bastards they must be to harass a woman on her walk.
I had an experience similar to this yesterday… only it was highschool kids doing the commenting. I also had forgotten I was fat. I was reveling in how much mobility I had. I was dressed in my gym clothes on my way to the gym and stopped off at my daughter’s school.
It stung more than I’d like to admit… especially since I’d been giving myself a lot of encouragement and have started hearing positive things from the ladies at the gym who notice the change in my body. Yes, I’ve lost 60 lbs. Yes, I’m still fat. But I’m getting less fat.
Are they getting less rude or ignorant?
Dang, that pisses me off! What asses!
Just keep doing what you’re doing. You rock!
EW! Listen, all us bloggers have been working out, we can totally take them!
But you are not THAT girl anymore, you have turned your life around and so I say continue to see that new healthier you, because guess what… that’s who’s really looking back at you!
Take care sweetie!
Being upset about that is natural! I am upset for you. But the opinion of people like that doesn’t matter! Who are they? Insecure louts with such poor self-image that they have to ridicule other people.
You are doing a fabulous job and it’s good that your mind is also “losing the weight”. One of these days you will be at a normal weight, living a normal life and feeling normal. And these guys? They’ll probably still be assholes! And they’ll probably heckle you about something else - because it’s not about you. I’d rather be fat than a dumb-ass anyday!
Honestly, there will always be assholes in the world. The people who know you know you rock.
Don’t let the bastards grind you down.
I’ve related so much to your post, and I sincerely thank you for sharing. As I read, I could feel myself in your shoes, as I have been there many times. In my case, I have lost weight in the past, and I’ve reached the goal weight that I currently have in mind for myself at two separate times in my life. During those moments, I had the confidence you spoke of. I wasn’t the fat girl anymore, and I no longer felt like I had to dodge certain situations or groups of people (particularly pre-pubescent boys)to avoid being hurt.
At my current weight I’m reliving a lot of the feelings that I had forgotten: Vulnerability and insecurity in certain situations, wondering if people see me for who I am and not how much I weigh, etc. Despite those moments however, I realize now that in a lot of ways I set the tone for how I’m perceived. Those protective barriers we build up retain from both directions: negativity can’t come in, positivity can’t go out either.
You’ve accomplished so much, and your experience is an inspiration to so many people, myself included. I encourage you to defy the urge to withdraw. You’re so worth living life to the fullest, basking in your success and allowing that light to shine for others who are traveling down the road where you’ve been.
Although I have never been called names for being fat, I was regularly called names when I was a kid because of my colour. I know what it’s like to be made to feel less than nothing.
I relate to what you wrote about feeling different in your body as you’ve lose weight and in being more confident. I feel more nimble, my trousers are loose, I have been giving away my big clothes. I am fat but I am on my way to the right weight.
I think that you need to concentrate on those positive feelings and your progress, In future, don’t replay negative experiences in your mind because you make them bigger (literally, new memory paths are laid down).
I’ve thought about your post for quite a bit last night. When I read it, I was stunned speechless, which is the reason for my short comment — I couldn’t think of anything else to say.
Reading some of the other comments made me think about a repartee that Winston Churchill had with a lady at a banquet. He’d had a bit too much to drink, and she reprimanded him for it, saying haughtily, “Mr. Churchill, you’re drunk. He rejoined, “I may be drunk, madam, but you’re ugly. And in the morning, I’ll no longer be drunk!” :-)
You may still be fat, but they’re much worse — they’re rude and inconsiderate and unfeeling (and I wish I had a thesaurus to throw at them)… and in the morning (some morning) you’ll no longer be fat, but they’ll still be rude.
Now here’s what I thought of in the middle of the night: you are thin. You’re no longer “the fat girl” in a fat body; you’ve turned the corner. You’re mentally thin. You are now “a thin person trapped in a fat person’s body.” Your mentality has changed. And your body will follow along. [Yippee! Woo-hoo! Three cheers for you!!]
Think about it, although you related that you started crying and didn’t stop “for two miles,” I will highlight that you were able to walk for two miles more. What’s more, not only were you able to do it, but you did it. Congratulations!
Kathy
Hug hug hug hug hughughughuggers!!!
I love you. :)
Some people are just plain assholes. Unfreakin’ believable that God has Losers like this walking the earth, sucking up air and space. I’m soooooo sorry.
I feel your pain. It’s happened to me. To all of us I’m sure whether we admit it or not.
You have a great writing style and I love reading your blog — even at times like these.
Keep your chin up. Continue going for it. YOU WILL SUCCEED and those assholes out there that are so cruel can go jump in a lake.
Best,
Fatboyslimmed
jtf, I’m so sorry you had to experience that!!
Last night, I read your story to my son, who is a junior in high school. He said, “Those kids are just jerks who don’t know anything. Tell your friend not to let their actions shape her world or the way she sees herself.” He thought it was so awesome that your vision of yourself had changed so much that you did not, at first, realize those boys were talking to you — my son particularly wanted me to tell you to hold on to your own self-vision and to not let yourself be shaken by those mean words.
I want to say that, too - but his words were way more eloquent. :)
jtf, you rock. I hope you know that. :)
I think Sarah said it best ” A pox upon them. I spit on their heads. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest their armpits. ”
I wasnt always heavy. But when I made up my mind to be heavy ( sarcasim there ) I did it in spades! I can remember how crippling other peoples comments and looks could be. I maybe down a lot of weight now but I am not skinny. Problem is just like you said I FEEL thinner well right up till I saw some pictures taken of me this past weekend and then I though ACK *sigh* not thin still large *grrrr*.
Well for what is worth I think you are doing AWESOME!! I think you have every right to feel thinner because you ARE thinner. I hope you keep that chin head high and proud. You are doing something to make your life better and that is worth everything.
*SUPER BIG HUGGLES* Chin up we all so all here for you!!
=0)
I can’t say much more than to repeat all that has been said already - - about how awful those guys are and how wonderful you are.
I do agree with Kathy though - you are thin. You mentality has changed already, that is why you don’t always “feel” like the fat girl anymore. Your mind has changed and you body will soon follow (bodies just take a little longer to change completely).
Don’t ever let anyone make you take that fat girl mindset back. My gosh, you kept walking another 2 miles? Not many “fat girls” would do that…. I would think a fat girl would head for the nearest fast food restaurant and drown her sorrows is in a king size order of fries and a chocolate shake.
You are definately not a fat girl any longer.
The witty combacks and the big brick wall…I had the same thing. Although it was not about my weight.
Wow your entry hit home - I to have been feeling like I am no longer fat…. but I am and I have to keep going otherwise I will just start to accept who I am and then I will become complacent and then the weight will come on again. {{hugs}}
Sarah: Thank you for your kindness. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me. Good luck to you… and thank you again.
Jenny from Chicago: You made me laugh. A pox upon them is right. :) Thank you for your kindness.
Kate: Good point. I’m not a religious person, but I do believe in karma. I’m hopeful that our tormentors will one day reap what they sew.
Trish: Thank you. :)
Rose: Hahaha! “Listen, all us bloggers have been working out, we can totally take them!” Does kicking ass count as cardio?
Hanlie: “I’d rather be fat than a dumb-ass anyday!” Indeed! Thank you so much for being (one of) my cheerleader(s).
Andrew: I’m trying. Lord knows, I’m trying. :)
Marianna: Your comment means a lot to me… particularly this bit “I realize now that in a lot of ways I set the tone for how I’m perceived. Those protective barriers we build up retain from both directions: negativity can’t come in, positivity can’t go out either.” So, so true. Thank you for helping me see the light. And good luck to you.
Paola: I continue to benefit from your wisdom and to be made better by your friendship. Of course, as the distance between then and now grows it’s easier for me to look at things more rationally. Reacting to something based on emotion rarely turns out to be very productive, does it? That said, I’m grateful for your insight and support. Thank you for the virtual pat on the back.
Kathy: You really make me smile. (I’ve heard that Churchill story before… it’s a great one). Thank you so much for your gentle thoughts and kind, supportive words. I’m so grateful to have you cheering me on! :)
Slim: *smile* Thank you for such an impassioned comment. I’m grateful to have you as a “reader” and a cheerleader as I struggle to make all this work. You’re right… they *can* go “jump in a lake.” :)
BikiniMe: Wow. Your son sounds like an extraordinary young man and you can tell him that I’m truly, truly grateful to both him (and his mother) for extending me such kindness. I’m *not* going to give up on this or on myself. Thank you so much for constantly cheering me on. I love you too!
Felicia: Thank you so much! Having you (and everyone else) here for me means more than you guys could ever know. Your weight loss is such an inspiration to me (and others)! Thanks so much for sharing your gentle spirit with me.
Sunny: “Your mind has changed and you body will soon follow (bodies just take a little longer to change completely).” Geez! I wish my body would hurry up! :) Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot. PS: Luckily for me there weren’t any fries and chocolate shakes along my two mile, tear fest, route! :)
Irene: I think those are common defense mechanisms that many people employ when they feel attacked. I’m sorry you’ve had to experience that as well.
Hippy: Thank you so much for your kindness. I’m so grateful for your support.
j
What a horrible experience! No one deserves that sort of treatment. I’m so glad you’ve been able to process it and not let it lead you down an unhealthy path. As the saying goes, one day you’ll be thinner, but those guys will still be toads.
Wishing you a brighter tomorrow!
Effing jerks! I’ve been there and I feel for you. Poor thing! But I’m so proud of you for writing about this, if only because there are other people other there feeling this same pain who don’t know how to articulate the mix of happy and sad and disbelief that goes with the territory. You’re doing great. Take comfort in knowing that days, weeks, months from now you’ll be looking and feeling even better but those shmucks who were so mean the other day will still be mindless dumbasses who feel so bad about their pathetic lives they have to put other people down.
i, too, have always been the ‘fat one’. i still vividly remember a time when i was in the seventh grade and i was minding my own business, walking across the lot to get to class, when i felt a light brush on my shoulder. i turned around to an older girl who looked me dead in the eye and said “hey. do you think she’s overweight?” although she was probably speaking to her friend, her words bore into my heart and her penetrating stare viciously undermined my fragile, adolescent confidence. it was so hurtful. to this day i can’t let that go.
what i do understand now is that folks with self confidence, with peacefulness and fulfillment in their lives, do not heckle others. i can only imagine how pained those guys were to have to resort to juvenile tactics like calling someone fat. i also imagine that the lightness of being you’ve been exuding the past few weeks was radiating brightness out of you. that kind of light is noticeable. i imagine that those guys were intimidated by this beautiful, confident, beaming woman breezing by, a woman who doesn’t have the measurements of angelina jolie, but who glows so completely, that she supercedes the notion of physical beauty.
i love that you are tender with yourself now. how can you not ponder your preparedness for life as a skinny girl? we all invest hugely in security measures. what an amazing symbol of your transformation that you are so wholly embracing this new, healthier, body-loving you that you can even put down the burden of holding up defenses.
personally, i think in some way, what those dumb clouts said was a lovely favor to you. they held up a mirror to you, a disfigured, fun house mirror. and you said ‘no’. that’s not me. kinda looks like someone i used to know, but that’s not me.
my wish for you is that you can find a way to make peace with that interaction and let it go. forget. and keep on keepin’ on! your blogging fans neeeeeeeeed you!!!
I was just tag surfing and wanted to thank you for sharing with all of us what you could have just internalized as more undeserved cruelty.
I have not been overweight my whole life, only tipping 190 after a round of hospitalizations, rehab, corticosteroids, etc. due to ms and a spine fusion. I have battled Anorexia since age 11, and it is hard for me.
My mother has been overweight her lifetime however and I have seen how she has been treated. It has been painful to witness as a child.
They might have made fun of your weight but if you ask me…you are not the fat girl anymore. You are not your weight. You Keep Goin’ Girl.
xoxo,
Ammey
As I read your post, I initially felt sorry for you. I know how much those comments must have hurt.
But as I kept reading, I began to feel sorry for them.
Day by day, you are transforming yourself into a stronger (albeit smaller) and more capable person.
They, however, are so unfulfilled by their own existence, that they have to TRY and hurt someone else to make themselves feel some sense of power & control.
As a life long “husky” guy, I know that every day is a challenge. It is going to take time for your body, mind and spirit to accept the smaller, shaplier you as the “real” you.
I wish you all the luck in the world even though you probably won’t need it.
Also, some of the responses to this post were fantastic. While I am brand new to the blogosphere, I am so impressed by the support that bloggers offer to each other. Bravo!
This is my first visit to your blog and I was truly moved by your words and impressed by your willingness to share. I’m sure you know that we’re all insecure about ourselves, and those who are the most vocal (like the @$$holes you encountered) are generally the most insecure out of the bunch. Don’t let this detour you from your good journey. Just be prepared for a possible next encounter and keep going, you’re doing amazing! Besides, I have a feeling you’ll have the last laugh when all is said and done.
[...] wrote on her blog: Lately, I’ve been feeling so good about myself. I’ve been counting up the [...]
I have been in the same place. Men, especially young men, can be so hurtful. They’re not just making assoholic remarks to you, they’re doing it to old men, young boys, gays, pregnant ladies, basically any target.
Don’t let this get you down. If you judge yourself by their assessment, they gain the power. Walk proudly and remember, it’s me and the others that are walking with you and put up that finger(if you’re a bitch like me) and walk on by. They don’t matter and they never did.
They’re soulless little boys trying to fulfill their dreams of being the bad boys. They’re the cowardly school shooters, sadistic assholes and inside, they know they are nothing. I wish there had been a real man around, a real man would have done something.
Some people are so cruel and I don’t think it matters who you are or what size you are there are people out there that just have to be cruel… As you start to feel better about yourself as you are, you will be able to ignore these people…
I still don’t class myself as skinny, but whenever I am having a FAT day I tell myself what I can do with my body and that size has nothing to do with this. For me I would say that I can run 14 kms which is amazing that my body can do this for me. For you think about something you haven’t ever been able to do before. It really does work as for the first time ever I am starting to appreciate and love my body.
I think everyone’s already said what I could think to say, but one more time:
~hugs~ And THANK you for sharing this post. I’m so glad that you started to reach that comfort/confidence point, and I passionately hope you won’t let this derail you. You’re awesome, and they’re just jerks. Keep it up!
Take care!
~briy
I have to agree with the above comment YOU and ALL of us are getting less fat and more healthy, are they getting any less rude…no they aren’t.
Pay them no mind all the people here in blog world think you are AWESOME!
Oh, my heart goes out to you! I’ve had moments like that too. But here’s the thing–don’t give those bastards the right to label you. You have the right to name yourself and see yourself anyway you want. If you’re feeling thinner and healthier, don’t let them take that away from you!
Hang in there! I think everyone in life needs thick skin to deal with the asshats of every persuasion–those of us who are formerly fat are just used to letting the weight provide some of that protection for us. If people are hateful, it’s because we are fat, ot because some people are just plain hateful–which is a tough thing itself to come to terms with, as a human being.
I cannot believe that happened to you! You are my hero for the day for #1 how you have handled the situation and #2 for your willingness to share. I love your blog!
I really am so overwhelmed by everyone’s kind and generous comments. Your gentle support has reminded me that lurking around most corners there’s goodness just waiting for me to find it.
Whether you read this post and left me a kind word or two, or you simply sent some good thoughts my way, you have my sincere thanks.
Cheers everyone!
j
It seems we all have “been there, experienced that.” I did confront a young man one day when he made an exceptionally cruel remark. “I pity you for being so immature and insecure that the only way you can feel better about yourself is to insult other people and I am sure that your mother or grandmother would be ashamed of you.” His buddies standing around started laughing. Did I change him??? No, he invited me to go do creative things to myself, but I felt better for at least addressing the issue.
So…a pox on him! Keep up the good work!