Lesson Learned (Let’s Hope So, Anyway)
Tonight my husband had to be away for a work related dinner event. He asked me if I wanted to come along, but I wasn’t really into it, so I “took a rain check.” Those kinds of events aren’t all that exciting to me and unless he a) really wants me there or b) “everyone else is bringing their spouse,” I usually duck out.
Anyway, because he was going to be eating at his swanky banquet type affair, I decided earlier in the week that I was going to make pasta. My husband is not much of a pasta fan — especially the whole wheat variety that I’ve recently forced him to endure — thus pasta has become the kind of thing I treat myself to when he’s not around. So… using some left over ingredients from the frittata I’d made earlier in the week, I rustled up a nice little sauce to have with my pasta. I put the pasta on to boil and 10 minutes later — voila! Dinner.
There were two problems, however:
First: I made too much. I really made enough to constitute what should have been 2, maybe even 3, (large) servings. Even as I was cooking it, I knew that I should cut back. But I didn’t. I proceeded forward, telling myself that I would just store half of it away for another meal.
Which leads me to problem #2
Second: I didn’t even really want it. All week long I’d been psyching myself into Wednesday being pasta night, but then when the time came, I was really in the mood for something else. What I wanted was a burger and a bowl full of the doritos that had been taunting me from the pantry all day long. But instead, I made and ate my first, perfectly healthy (albeit a bit large) portion of pasta.
But then I wasn’t satisfied.
So, I ate another. As though somehow *more* of the food I didn’t want to begin with would somehow satisfy my craving.
A little while later, when I was already feeling bloated and defeated, my husband walked in and proceeded to regale me with the story of his evening. Turns out he spent most of the night conducting the “business” aspect of the function and never allowed himself a chance to eat. So… he was starving. He asked me if I would just fix him a tuna sandwich.
Sure, no problem.
But then for reasons I cannot even begin to comprehend, I made myself a sandwich too. And ate it. Even though I was not even remotely hungry.
But wait. It gets worse.
Then my husband broke out the doritos and even though I wasn’t hungry — even though I literally thought I might throw up from feeling more full than I’ve felt in ages, I ate some doritos. Though I didn’t count them, I’m chalking off my portion at about a dozen.
And here’s the thing… after a few chips, I felt complete sated. It was like, finally, my body was saying “see… if you’d just given me those in the first place, you wouldn’t be in this predicament, girlie.”
Of course, now I just want to smack myself in the forehead because, well… duh!
I don’t know about you guys, but it’s like sometimes I get so caught up in the world of what I think I “can’t” have that I forget that it’s ok to have cravings and that it’s even ok to give into them. All day, I knew I didn’t want the pasta, but I ate it. And then I ate more of it…. convincing myself that eventually I’d get full and then I wouldn’t want the thing that I’d really been wanting all along. When, in reality, had I just broken down and had a few chips earlier, I’d have likely been just fine. An now, instead of sitting here feeling as though there’s a very large boulder lodged in the pit of my stomach, I’d be curled up in bed dreaming of the brand new (and fucking beautiful, I might add) necklace Paola’s going to give me once I lose 75lbs. (Yes. She does rock that much).
In the end, I didn’t really go that far over my calories for the day and, the truth is, I don’t really feel that bad about the fact that I didn’t stick to my “plan,” or whatever. Rather, what really ticks me off is that I didn’t listen to what my body was telling me. That, after all this time, I haven’t learned that I’m never going to make these changes permanent if I base my eating decisions on trying to fool myself into feeling satisfied. It bothers me that I’m still making these kinds of mistakes.
And I know, Rome wasn’t built in a day and all that, but I’m not an idiot. And what’s more, I think it’s ok to have high expectations of myself. I know better. Or at least, I should.
One good thing to report, however, is that overeating tonight has proven something to me that I might not have otherwise believed to be true about myself. When I examine the facts of what I ate tonight: 2 bowls of pasta, a tuna sandwich and some chips (all in the span of about 3.5-4 hours) I kind of have to laugh. There was a time when that kind of meal was the norm. Maybe not that combination, but surely that portion size. And what’s more, not only was that normal, but it was *so* normal, in fact, that my body wouldn’t have thought twice about having to store and process all that food. The old me never would have felt the way I do now.
So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that even if my brain is still playing catch-up, my body has figured out how the new me is supposed to work. It understands that giant late night portions are no longer part of our game plan… and that we no longer go back for seconds. My body has figured it out. It’s just the rest of me that insists on riding the nutritional short bus, as it were.
*sigh*
It’s all good! I think you learned a great deal from this.
I have always had this problem of making too much food. We are two people and I would cook the same amount that my mother used to cook for a family of four. My husband would have one portion, and maybe a small second helping, and I would proceed to devour the rest, if not the same evening, then the minute I opened my eyes the next morning. My first thought upon waking would be GET THE FOOD!
Changing this mindset takes time. We learn to listen to our bodies and we learn to make just enough. And sometimes we test the boundaries or forget. But we need to keep reminding ourselves that we’re getting better at this all the time and that perfection is a myth!
I think you’re great!
Uh oh.
Firstly, WHY do you have dorritos in the pantry?
Your post touched on several revelations I’ve had over the last 10 years (and, as it happens, I’m 10 years older than you). I am not sure whether revelations can be passed on by describing them but here goes.
1) In my 30s, I realised that I wasn’t like other people when it came to food. It’s not normal that I eat until I feel so full I wish I could throw it all up. It’s not normal that I eat even when I am not hungry that I never felt hungry. It’s not normal that I’ll want to eat a giant bag of crisps (potato chips).
Whether it’s psychological or neurological, I can’t rely on my appetite (it desire to eat) like other people to control what and how much I eat.
I likened it to being an alcoholic (no disrespect intended to alchoholics, who have a hugely serious problem). There’s evidence that people are born with alcoholic tendencies - so why not the same with food?
Once I started thinking of myself that way, I stopped having things in the house that could tempt me, that I knew I couldn’t eat in moderation. For example, I LOVE savoury snacks such as potato chips but I don’t have them in the house. I consider them as rare treats (twice a month) and not normal fare.
My husband ’s cookies, chocolate and cakes are ‘out of reach’ on his own high shelf.
2) Since I started my diet in January, I’ve shifted to smaller bowls for smaller portions.
I now also use a thought technique to try to stop me bingeing. If I see that I am overloading my plate I tell myself “okay, I’ll have a small portion now and if I am REALLY still hungry afterwards, I can have more.” Making a deal with one’s self diffuses the gotta-eat panic at the time.
3) Ask your husband not to ask you to make you (or offer you) food (it’s part of recognising one’s not like other people - and drastic measures are needed).
I stopped cooking joint meals about 5-10 years ago as I realised that my upbringing had trained me to make big yummy things for my husband and I was eating more of fatty foods as a result. He’s a grown man and, although he seems to eat cookies all day, he does know how to make sandwiches and prepare some meals - as he keeps reminding me, he’s not malnourished and I shouldn’t worry that I am neglecting him.
Don’t feel guilty about depriving your husband of stuff. He can buy things for himself when he’s out. And I’m sure he’d be happy to make some small changes if it helps you.
You likely made/ate the tuna sandwich for yourself because eating is a social experience. When I was asked to keep a food diary a couple of years ago, a reason for eating was often because my husband was having something and it’s nice to sit, eat and be together.
By the way, you can freeze pasta. I make big batches (and of rice, too) and we freeze single portions that we can then add sauces later. It’s convenient and helps me stop worrying about what my husband can eat.
Finally, to get that necklace, the deal was that you’d lose 75lbs + 20lbs. And, no, you CAN’T get it quicker by paying part in cash as it undermines the point of the motivation!
And so endeth the virtual shaking of Jennifer by the shoulders, meant only in the kindest way.
Hanlie: You’re right. I *am* getting better and I know I’ll never be perfect, but I still feel disappointed in myself when I fuck up, you know? I mean, yesterday was, frankly, ridiculous because I’m just a lot smarter than to do that kind of thing. *shrugs* I do appreciate your “voice of reason” though — and I’m not depressed or hating myself or anything like that. I just needed a good kicking for being a dolt. Now that, that’s done — time to move on.
Paola: Whoa! I’ve been utterly, and deservedly, scolded! :) In all seriousness, you’re totally right, on all counts. There’s really no excuse for the doritos… I shouldn’t have had them. Period. While I don’t think I’ll be giving up doing the shopping/cooking at our house, normally I buy David (my husband) snacky things that he loves but that I have no interest in, that way I’m not tempted. The doritos, however, were a error in judgment. That said, I like your idea of using smaller plates. That seems like common sense, but sometimes I genuinely not thought of — great idea! Anyway, thank you for giving me a good shake… I needed it.
Cheers!
j
You, as I, are learning to “listen” to what our bodies are telling us. Reading this post made me smile as “You ARE me and I am you!” :) YAY ME! I’m not alone.
I’m not the only one that does these things!!!!!
Fatboyslimmed
You said:
“One good thing to report, however, is that overeating tonight has proven something to me that I might not have otherwise believed to be true about myself. When I examine the facts of what I ate tonight: 2 bowls of pasta, a tuna sandwich and some chips (all in the span of about 3.5-4 hours) I kind of have to laugh. There was a time when that kind of meal was the norm. Maybe not that combination, but surely that portion size. And what’s more, not only was that normal, but it was *so* normal, in fact, that my body wouldn’t have thought twice about having to store and process all that food. The old me never would have felt the way I do now.”
That’s where blogging helps, isn’t it? By making us stop and think about what we’re doing, we have time to learn some lessons. I know that blogging relly helps me figure out what’s going on with my body. Thanks for sharing your story.
Gosh, it was scary writing my comment. And straight after, I wrote a 5-page letter to my mother about her weight!
Cheese Dorritos are so yum. Mmm.
Before starting my diet, I used to ask my husband to buy cookies with raisins (ick) for himself or double-chocolate (ugh) cakes/ice-creams.
Have you seen that show “I Can Make You Thin” with Paul McKenna on TLC?
I really love his simple idea that rule #1 is ‘eat what you want’. But only if you follow rule #2 which is ‘eat consciously’. Meaning eat slowly, without distractions (tv, reading), and savor your food. Rule #3, ‘When you think you’re full, stop eating’. His big point is that what most people do is they eat while watching tv and are not in tune to the signals that your body is trying to tell you. Also, that people need to get rid of this overwhelming feeling of obligation to finish everything on their plate.
His point about ‘Eat what you want’ is great because what a lot of overweight people do that are “dieting” is they view food as the enemy, and they can’t stop thinking about it.
The way he does his show is a bit annoying like an infomercial, but if you ignore that, his ideas are simple and great.
I’m about to finish a blog post about his show as I write this.
I just found your blog today. Good luck on your jouney!
OMG, I have been there — and just last week, as a matter of fact. (for me it was sushi vs. turtle sundae) I agree that it is better to eat a small serving of the craving rather than eating more and more of the food you don’t want.
slim: *smile* No, you’re not alone. It’s comforting knowing that we’re in this together, huh?
Paola: No worries. Believe me, the one thing I WASN’T looking for with that post was a bunch of “don’t beat yourself up” kind of comments. Frankly, I really value people who will tell me off when telling off is exactly what I need. I may not always love it at the time, but in the end, I always appreciate it. And yes… doritos are yum. :)
McBloggenstein: I’m afraid I don’t watch much television, so I haven’t seen the show you’re talking about. I appreciate your comments, however, and I firmly believe that this is about far more for me than simply losing weight.
BikiniMe: I guess it’s all about what we’re craving at the moment. Today, I did much better. Guess I have to allow myself the occasional screw up.
Cheers, everyone!
j
oh my god your website title is so funny and the “fat as hell” I love using as hell in my phrases and stuff and it so applies to me, I am losing weight and I am so glad and I think its great you are too. Good Luck to all of us !
Here’s my post about Paul McKenna. You can see other clips from his show on Youtube.
http://whyareyousofat.wordpress.com/2008/04/11/paul-mckenna-on-tlc-i-can-make-you-thin/
Aww, hun, you did well to learn this lession.
Your brain will catch up to your body. As long as part of you is there, the other will be there too in time.
Okay, I can honestly say yes, most of us have been there. For me, the worst moment of the night is packing leftovers. I’m full, I’ve already eating, and I’m mindly stuffing more food into my mouth as I pack it away for the next day?
Why, why, why?
Because I like food. Simple as that. You like Doritos, simple as that. I think the big key for us is to accept that some of the stuff we like, we simply can’t be around right now.
I’ve stopped making my favorite dish–a Cuban food called picadillo. Why? Because I know I cannot stop at one serving. I want more, and more, and more…and it’s not healthy for me.
Becoming aware of what you’re eating and why you’re eating it is huge. I think realizing what happened tonight and writing about it will help.
Hang in there and be good to you…but I am with Paola…I say you get the Doritos out of the house. If you find yourself craving them one day, go out and buy one bag at a convenience store or something. You might discover the act of going to get them may be more trouble than it’s worth.
Kate: Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate the company.
McBlog: Thank you for the link. Good luck to you!
Irene: I sure hope you’re right! I’m getting tired of playing catch-up, you know? Thank you for checking in on me… rest assured, I do the same.
CCC: Thank you so much for your honest comment. I’m grateful and really appreciate it (as well as Paola’s) Everyone can breathe easy now that I sent the Dorito’s off to work with my husband this morning so that they would no longer be a temptation. *whew* Upward and Onward, right?
Cheers all!
j
I’ve read quite a few entries in your blog and wanted to tell you that I very much admire what you are trying to accomplish. Losing weight is very difficult and very psychological and you are doing great.
I need to lose quite a bit of weight as well. Reading your blog uplifted my spirits and I thank you.
I think it’s self-help diva Cheryl Richardson who says, “Lessons are repeated until they are learned.” Lord, have I lived *this* one. :)
One of the neatest (and perhaps most challenging) things about this journey has been learning what constitutes a passing craving, and what is truly a desire for a (now) non-standard food. I think sometimes we’re better off opting for the non-standard, to avoid just what happened to you. The trick, I think, is learning which of those times is appropriate and which is not. Definitely a trial and error process. Kudos to you for thinking about it, but two demerits for beating yourself up over it. :)
Catherine: Thank you so much for your kindness. The truth is, I’m just muddling through… but I’d be a big (fat) liar if I didn’t admit that the support afforded me here, by people like you, has been a great help. Thank you again. And good luck.
Cammy: Thank you for being my duchess of protocol. Suddenly, I feel as though I’m back in parochial school racking up the demerits. :) Hopefully, you won’t break out your nun suit. *wink*
Cheers!
j