Finding My Happy Weight
When I was a very little girl, (I’m talking elementary/middle school age), I can remember watching Richard Simmons on TV. This was before the whole “sweating to the oldies” phenomenon of the early 90’s, back when he had his own daytime TV show where he interviewed really fat people, told them about how he used to be really chunky, fixed some kind of lo-cal recipe and then spent about 10-15 minutes doing aerobics. Like I said, I was pretty young when it was on, but I was “fat” even back then and had already learned the very hard lesson that fat girls don’t make friends at school. They don’t get asked to dances. They don’t get picked for sports teams. The don’t get invited to slumber parties. And they don’t get the starring role in the school musical unless it’s a production Hairspray, of course. (Not that I’m bitter).
So… instead of doing those fun things, I stayed home and watched Richard Simmons.
Here’s the thing, as if that wasn’t sad enough, I can very vividly remember, at about the age of say 11, telling my mother that if I worked really hard, I would eventually make it to my “goal weight.” Again, I was 11. And I was using phrases like “goal weight.”
Seriously. That’s some scary shit.
Anyway, needless to say, I never made to my “goal weight” whatever that magic number was. And I never made it many, many, (many) times after that. I’ve set a million “goal weights” over the years and never reached any of them. For me, setting a goal weight was like the kiss of death. The minute I decided on some arbitrary number, I became so focused on that number that I found it impossible to celebrate the loss of all the pounds in between. Who cares if I just lost 2lbs, I’m still 152lbs from my “goal weight!”
It’s that kind of self-destructive behavior that has kept from setting a goal weight this time.
If you’ve been reading this blog for any amount of time then you know that, for the most part, I’ve steadfastly refused to cast my gaze any further away from me than the next pound or two or five. I’ve purposely kept my eyes OFF the prize for a couple of reasons:
First, and foremost, I don’t want to miss out on all the victories I’ll achieve between here and the “end of the road,” wherever that is. I don’t want to stop feeling like a rock star each time I lose a pound or two. I don’t want the joy of each weight loss victory to lessen in the pit of my stomach just because it’s not the victory. After all, this is war! And I want to win, damn it! And what’s more, I don’t want to be gracious about it. I want to moon walk into the in zone like the worst kind of professional sports hot dog. This way, each pound lost feels like a miracle — like the huge achievement that it is — rather than just a mediocre, albeit necessary, step towards some elusive goal in the far distant future.
And secondly, truth be told, I don’t really even know what I *should* weigh. All I know for sure is that I’ve never been there. Whatever the ideal weight is for someone of my height, I’ve never weighed it. I’ve always been fat. I honestly have no idea what I will look like when all that weight comes off, because I’ve *never* been that girl.
What I do know, however, is that most people want to weigh less than they probably should. Even skinny people. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever met a single person, skinny, fat or somewhere in between, who didn’t claim to want to lose at least a few pounds. Apparently, to some people’s way of thinking, there’s truth to the old adage that there’s no such thing as being too skinny. Really. What’s a chubby girl to do?
All that pontificating aside, though, lately it’s been harder and harder to shield my eyes from the vision of what my ideal weight might be. The more weight I lose, the closer I get to the point where I won’t need to keep losing weight anymore. In fact, just the other day my husband asked me how much weight I was planning to lose in total. “As much as it takes” I joked back at him. He smiled and stuff, but then he said, “you know, you’re going to have to think about it some time.” And he’s right, I will.
Of course, don’t get me wrong… I know that at this point in the game I’m still a looooong way from the end of the road. Believe me, I’m well aware of the fact that 319lbs - 65lbs *still* equals REALLY FAT.
But still… I’ve lost more weight than I ever have before. And therefore, the idea of actually making it to the oft hailed “goal weight” seems more possible than ever. So… sometimes, late at night, when I think no one else is looking, I’m willing to admit that I sometimes gaze longingly out the window and visualize the skinny me that I’ve never been. The healthy me who doesn’t require blood pressure or cholesterol meds. The musclebound fit girl who actually *likes* to exercise, who runs for pleasure and whose ass looks, frankly, hot as hell in whatever pants she happens to put on. And in those moments of extreme fantasy I wonder… how much does that girl weigh? 150lbs? 115lbs? Somewhere in between?
Then today, I stumbled upon this link on Irene’s blog. At first, I hesitated clicking on it… but then I read a bit more and I have to say the philosophy of it made sense to me. I mean, if I’m going to fiddle, even a tiny little bit, with setting a “goal weight” I want it to be based on something more than just my height. So, I reluctantly filled in all the blank spots, pressed enter and… viola! This number popped out:
132lbs.
*gasp*
Truth be told, I sat staring at it for long time. 132lbs. What does someone look like who weighs 132lbs. I’m pretty sure I came out of the womb weighing more than 132lbs. I’ll never make it to 132lbs.
Then I started doing the math.
That’s like… 123lbs left to go.
Then I started thinking about the weight I’ve already lost.
123lbs.
Ok… that’s like doing what I’ve already done 2 more times.
Suddenly, 123lbs never felt so achievable.
123lbs, I thought.
Yeah. I can do that.
So… is 132lbs my new goal weight?
Hell no.
If today I weight 254lbs then my goal weight is still 253lbs.
And when I get there, I’m gonna pat myself on the back and jump up and down and force my husband to come look at the scale, just like I’ve been doing because, I’ve spent much of my life feeling like losing even 1lb was impossible.
But you know what?
All those single pound losses tend to add up, my friends.
And, who knows, maybe one day they’ll add up to 123lbs.
*fingers crossed*
Goal weight - That was a hard one for me to. After being HUGE for so long I always thought that if I could just loss something I would be happy. I started losing and picked a goal weight ( cuz well everyone else was doing it lol ) and chose 150lbs. Not that I have any special tie to it but it was the highest weight I could be in the normal range on the BMI chart. So anyways back to losing and losing and the closer I got to goal the more I realized that the number itself wasnt as important as how I was feeling. I hit 180lbs and all of a sudden my brain said “this is normal”. Was strange. I still would like to see 150 but what I had in my head 150 would be like actually seems to have hit me at 180 lol.
You will make it. You will reach what ever goal you set for yourself and best of all you will find a few *I didnt see that coming * surprises along the way!
Keep up the amazing inspiring work!!
You are doing it!!
*huggles*
=0)
Ha!
You have a wonderful way of thinking and you express yourself so elegantly.
For me, I was at my goal weight most of my life. However, I was never really happy with it at the time. Now I wish I could be there again.
But I will get there again. Cause it’s not just about the numbers on the scale. It’s about the life that I am living. It’s about being active and paying attention to what goes in my body. I am healthier all around. I never appreciated my body, until now. And now that I have a daughter, I want to be as healthy as possible for as long as possible.
So I do keep my eyes on that number (below 150 pounds, somewhere around 142-145). But I am loving every pound and every inch that comes off. Cause I know I am that much closer to my “goal”.
When I started this life in January , 90 pounds seemed so far away. Like you stated, it was a pound by pound thing.
But now that I have lost 21.5 pounds, I realize that 68.5 pounds is not that far away. So, I keep on truckin.
And that’s what we all need to do. Cause if we give up, then what do we do with the pounds still waiting?
*gasp* my goal weight there would be 161 lbs. If I’ve ever weighed that, I must have breezed through it…Wonder what I would look like at that kind of weight. In any case, I don’t have a specific goal weight right now. All I ever thought of was that I would like to be in the double digits (kg) again.
You have such a great attitude! You have made great progress so far!!! You should check out http://www.transformation.com I think you’ll like it!
Yeah, I remember my gulp when I first worked out my goal weight for my new diet (using http://www.halls.md/ideal-weight/body.htm).
However, even though I am not even close to half-way, the fact that I could reach it by the end of the year is a big motivator. Before, one of my many reasons for not trying to lose weight was because I’d (mistakenly) guessed it would take five years.
I also wonder what I will look like. I’m also wondering how I’m gonna afford all the lovely clothes I know I’ll wanna get!
Yes, each pound lost is a big deal and to be celebrated. One pound a week is good enough.
jenn - i freakin’ heart you. you are awesome. every time i read one of your posts i laugh and cry (well, not really cry) at the same time. i’m 4 inches shorter than you and i’m in the 130s and my goal is around 110 but i too have thrown that number out the window. i want not just a physical transformation but an emotional, psychological, and spiritual one as well and i’m beginning to realize that i simply can’t obsess about numbers anymore. it’s funny, when i was in my teens, i remember thinking 125lbs was SO HUGE and i basically shut myself off from any social events because i thought i was unspeakably gigantic.
btw, i did the happy weight calculator and apparently mine should be 108.9lbs. my goal weight is actually a pound more than that. how interesting. i can’t even imagine what 108.9lbs looks like on me. i can’t even imagine 120lbs.
WOW!
That was a serious revelation to me!!! Holy Shit!
I am extremely anal about my weight. I have a long-term goal and I focus on it so much I don’t pay attention to the small victories. I’ve dropped 91.4 lbs since starting on 3/1/07. I should be freakin’ thrilled about that but I’m so focused on the 130 that I have to go I haven’t enjoyed it. For crying out loud my wife was right yet again!! She keeps telling me 100 pound loss (before I gained in March) was incredible. I kept say “Nah. When I lose the 230-250 lbs I really need to lose, that’ll be incredible”.
How wrong was I?
Excellent POINT!! I will now try to enjoy the smaller loses as they all add up in the longterm.
Wow!
Thank you
Fatboyslimmed
Hey.
I was so blown away by your insight (I’m post #8) that I added you to my “blogroll”
Freakin’ awesome.
Keep up the great work
Fatboyslimmed (soon enough)
You are doing so amazing. This is a great post. Thanks for sharing your feelings.
I think I feel very similar to how you do. Since I broke down my weight goals into mini goals I’ve had much more success than when I set the lofty target.
I also think celebrating each little milestone is very important.
I love it! Lots of little steps make a HUGE difference. You can so do this! Have fun and enjoy the little milestones as you totally deserve to :)
This is a great post! I really love how you expressed it and the philosophy you have around this. There is no doubt in my mind that you’ll succeed!
This is a most excellent post. I loved reading it and love your attitude. You are so right…every little pound counts. According to that Happy Weight calculator, I should weigh 141.3. I set my goal at 145 so guess I’m pretty close. I guess my goal was based on what my daughter looks like. She weighs 140 and looks very nice. So that’s where my 145 goal came from. You keep up your excellent work!
Excellent post. I did the happy weight calculator and I’m one pound heavier at the moment. At my rate that I’m losing, about a pound a week I’ll be there next week. My goal is a bit lower than that. It’s a weight that I weighed before I left my husband and was courted by my current honey. So my happy weight may be 133.1, but my current goal weight is 124. We’ll see what happens.
I remember when I was a teen and I also thought 125 pounds was huge. I’m 5′2″ by the way. It’s funny. My adult weight until recently ranged between 125 and 140. I put a few pounds according to Cranky Fitness because I stopped exercising.
I’m exercising now and the weight is coming off. You’re an inspiration. Keep celebrating each pound. You deserve to be happy.
For a few seconds there, I was terrified you were going to focus on that 132. LOL (They almost got me with 139.) Your comments are right on the money, IMO. The goal is to do better than you did the day before, the week before, the year before. It will all work out well in the end.
Excellent post! Thank you!
Wow! I loved your post (so much I re-read it out loud to my hubby) You have a remarkable way with words. I look forward to visiting here often to soak up your wit and humor, as well as watch you lose that next pound - and then the next and then the next!
Nooo, no no .. Jennifer. I know this post is about not focusing on the long term goal weight, but how did this happen. My happy weight came out at 118 (and we’re both 5′3″). You definitely have the best way approach - look only to the next pound. Look any further and the diet is doomed.
GREAT post.
truthful, honest words. so inspiring.
I don’t remember Richard Simmons much. I do know your struggle with goal weight! Awesome truthful post! You’ll get there one pound at a time. High five on the great attitude! Thanks for the Happy Weight calculater, neat tool. :D
I agree, good post. As others have said, it’s great that you’re trying not to focus on a number as your goal, so much as just a lot of smaller goals (and you should allow yourself a little reward after each! :)
I would also say that you should still further not rely on numbers, and more on just being healthier. As you say in your mission statement, a “journey toward a healthier life”.
Thank you, everyone, for such kind and generous comments. I get such great comfort knowing that you’re all out there, somewhere, cheering me on. Believe me, I’m sending all the good thoughts I can muster your way.
Cheers!
j