272.3 and counting…

I had an extraordinary conversation today. It went like this:

Coworker: “J, have you lost weight??”
Me: silence
Coworker: silence
Me: “Well, I hope so.”

The thing is, I haven’t told *anyone* (except for my husband and two closest friends) that I’m trying to lose weight. The reason for my secrecy is simple. There’s no way that I could face owning up to yet another failure in this department.

The truth is, I don’t consider myself to be particularly vain. I don’t check myself out in mirrors or worry, in most cases, what people think about me. But this is different. Like most people who struggle with their weight, this isn’t my first attempt to shed the extra weight that I’m carrying around. God knows, I’ve tried so many times. You name the program… I’ve been on it. Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, Jenny Craig… the list goes on an on. Of course, it’s been at least 10 years since I’ve been down any of those roads, and while I know some people who have been successful using those, and other, programs, for me, *if* they did work at all, it was always only a temporary solution. I’d lose a little weight (usually no more than 15-20lbs) and then balloon right back up to where I had been before, if not higher.

Right now, however, I’m very tempted to say that “this time is different” — but that’s only because this time really *feels* different. Here’s why:

1. I’m not on a “diet” — I’ve changed my whole life. I not only eat less, but I eat *better* and I exercise regularly — something I *never* did before, on *any* program. But equally important I feel are the changes I’ve made to how I live. I get at least 8 hours of sleep each night, I only work 1 job (something that hasn’t been true in years) and that job is far less stressful than my previous career. Additionally, I do things that feed my mind as well as my body. I read constantly. I go to the theatre and even took in the symphony recently. All of these things contribute to my overall well-being which, I feel, has made it possible for me to be successful in taking off the weight which has been the symbol of my dysfunction for so long.
2. My motivation is different this time too. Unlike my previous attempts to lose weight, this has nothing to do with looking good or pleasing other people. Sure, fitting into “normal” clothes, etc would be a nice fringe benefit. But what really concerns me this time around is my health. I’m almost 40 and up until now I’ve been on the fast track to a heart-attack and, frankly, I’m too young for that shit. Furthermore, I really don’t like the idea of having my options in life limited by my weight. I may never have children or go sky diving or run the Boston Marathon, but I want to *choose* not to do those things, not find myself unable to do them because I’m too fat.
3. And finally, I can tell that this time is different because I’ve lost more weight this time than ever before. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m still fat alright, but as of this morning, I’m just 3lbs shy of having lost 50lbs. It doesn’t matter what I’ve tried or how much I thought I wanted it , I’ve never lost that kind of weight before and I know it’s because this time *is* different.

At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.
Even if I’m not quite ready to tell other people yet. :)